Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 October 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 13 October 2016 |
The owner of a drug store walk...
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Of course, you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
What does an archer send his e
What does an archer send his ex-lover on Valentine's Day? A: Arrows.Here are some actual exchanges
Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."
Blind man and his dog...
A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.
Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."
A blonde, a brunette, and a re...
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!" The chief export of Chuck Norr...
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.Pukeing drunk
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong."I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk.
"But he shit in my pants too."
A psychiatrist was conducting ...
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children."You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
To Do List
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”
A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”
Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”
Scary Flight
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"
Six months to live
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said.
"OK," the doctor said. "let's make it nine months."
Grass thief
After being turfed from his job, the grass thief was sod by police. There was evidence that he was carrying a blade.
Also, he sent his wife a John Deere letter.
But before lawn he was caught.
The man said “I just can't run no mower.”
