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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 31 August 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 31 August 2017

During the local match, a spec

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
"That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.
"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."
#joke #animal #dog #sport #footballer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

“A cowbell is what yo

“A cowbell is what you call a lovely Southern cow.”

#joke #short #animal #cow
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Islamic fundamentalists are obsessed with crop circles. Because it's written that way in the Korn.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Sign Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker...

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

Mumbled, 'Oh, puh-leeeez!' 295 times during the movie 'The Net.'

Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

Their video dating profile lists 'public-key encryption' among turn-ons.

Instead of the 'Welcome' voice on AOL, you overhear, 'Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.'

You hear them murmur, 'Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor 'I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!'

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

 A Very Happy Psychic


I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 July 2016
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

When the wise company presiden...

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking upon no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
#joke #food #lunch #drinks #whiskey #vodka
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 November 2015
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (19)

How much wood would a woodchuc...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 3.06/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (66)

Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food

The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife. And I was thinking, Im not doing that. Im definitely not doing it. But I thought, why just say, No! The hell with you! and get fired? Thats boring. Instead I said to him, Yeah, OK. Ill do it. Then, I didnt do it, and he came up to me later: Did you scrape the gum off the tables? I was like, Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure. And later, he comes up, he goes, You didnt scrape the gum off the tables? Im like, Ah! No. Damn. Are you gonna do it? Yeah, of course Im gonna do it. Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.
#joke #food #butter
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 August 2010
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (50)

Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 6.76/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (46)

Jessi Klein: Cosmo Magazine

What I love about Cosmo is it is this magazine that is pretending to be your best friend. But Cosmo hates you so much; Cosmo just wants to undermine you, and make you insecure. Like, two real stories from the cover of Cosmo recently, one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60 seconds. Im just like, when would I ever need to do that? When would I ever be in that kind of a rush? Am I at a tollbooth?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 3.98/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (41)

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 August 2009
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (36)

Duct Tape & Onwards

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks." The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes.

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again.

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?

" The boy responds, "It's a pussy willow." The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"

#joke #animal #chicken
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.22/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (18)

Car Joke

Q: Why did the driver put a stove in his car?

A: To make a hot rod.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 October 2014
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (12)

If You Were my Husba

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 January 2016
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

Let There Be Light

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a prostitute.
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks.
So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says 'What the hell are you doing?'
I said 'Having sex with my wife.' He said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.'
and I said, 'Neither did I till you shined a light on her.'

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.62/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (21)

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