Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 August 2018

How To Be Politically Corre...

How To Be Politically Correct When Talking About Women
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.

 Dictionary For Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Three Eggs and $100

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

God knows

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

Too Much Time at the

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus

Chuck Norris can squeeze orang...

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Michael Ian Black: Jewish Summer Camps

What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? Thats just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didnt want to be.

For 25 Cents

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”

Girlfriend to wife

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

- Mr I N Distress

Dear I N Distress,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0

-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD

-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

With best wishes,

Tech Support.

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

The only cow in a small Kentuc...

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The peopledid some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the stateline in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. Itproduced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce morecows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move awayfrom the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were veryupset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mountour cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. Anattempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where theybought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did youknow we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

Goldfish burial

Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed. "And I've just buried him."

The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: "That's because he's inside your cat."

FAMOUS QUOTES

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- Friar George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Friar Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP!
- Friar Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Friar Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Friar Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Friar Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good spit it out.
author unknown

Teen

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19. His name was Constant Teen.

At the age of 65 my Grandma started walking 10 kilometers a day.
She’s 92 now and we have no idea where she is.

Rednecks Go Fishing

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Gabriel Iglesias: Looking for a Pregnancy Test

I dont even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. Im looking at all the aisles -- they dont have one that says oops.