Jokes of the day for Sunday, 02 September 2018

A guy with a black eye boards...

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat evil slag'."

Ponderings Collection 24

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a n*dist camp?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

“A giggle is a small

“A giggle is a small job for musicians.”

St. George and the Dragon

A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”

Thank you for purchasing'

Thank you for purchasing'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines'brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy!
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

The confession...

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his l...

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.

Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis

My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find.

A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

Britney and Christina Work Together

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.

Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."

Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

A man went into a local tavern...

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.
He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

What do you call a b...

“What do you call a bald monster?
- A lock-less monster.”

107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023

Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through

If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

1. What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
2. What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
3. That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
4. I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
5. What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
6. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
7. What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
8. All I want for Christmas is ewe.
9. I'm pine-ing for you.
10. Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
11. Your presents are requested.
12. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
13. What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
14. I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
15. The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
16. This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
17. I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
18. A round of Santa-plause, please.
19. Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
20. Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
21. Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
22. Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
23. Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
24. These decorations are tree-mendous.
25. I only have ice for you.
26. It is ice to meet you.
27. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
28. How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
29. Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
30. How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
31. What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
32. Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
33. Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
34. Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
35. Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
36. What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
37. It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
38. If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
39. That look soots you.
40. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
41. Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
42. It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
43. The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
44. How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
45. What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
46. You sleigh me.
47. I’ll never fir-get.
48. In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
49. You’re the best person I snow.
50. It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
51. I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
52. Rebel without a Claus.
53. You’re my soul Santa.
54. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
55. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
56. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
57. Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
58. What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
59. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
60. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
61. What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
62. What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
63. When I think about you, I touch my elf.
64. He is a fungi to be with.
65. Eat, drink, and be tacky.
66. I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
67. You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
68. What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
69. Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
70. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
71. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
72. Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
73. What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
74. Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
75. What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
76. Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
77. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
78. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
79. Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
80. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
81. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
82. Eat, drink, and be meowy.
83. Have a meowy Christmas.
84. Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
85. May your days be meowy and bright.
86. All I want for Xmas is mew.
87. Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
88. Catty Canes.
89. The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
90. Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
91. I love hanging with you this season.
92. Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
93. Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
94. Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
95. I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
96. Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
97. This year my tree is #ballin.
98. Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
99. Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
100. Looking at you is like reading poetree.
101. Birch, please.
102. I love the festive season more than you think.
103. Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
104. I’m having fun fir sure.
105. I love you a whole watt.
106. What a de-light you are to be around.
107. Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.

Banging

My bloody rude neighbour came over banging on the door at 2.00am last night.
.........Luckily I was still up playing my drums!!
Hat Tip > Roland