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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 December 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 13 December 2018

“When the goose hit D

“When the goose hit Dracula like a feather duster it was soon down for the Count.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

SLIDESHOW #18 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Juan comes up to the Mexican b

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Brand new Christmas cracker jokes

1. What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?

Pays her off

Voted the best new Christmas cracker joke of 2018, author:Edinburgh teacher, Michael Hughes, 37 - the winner of the competition run by TV Channel Gold.

2. Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas?

Because she’s trying to bring back Chequers

3. Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play?

No prophet

4. What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas?

Their silence

5. When do sheep practice their new dance?

While shepherds watched them floss by night

6. What’s the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born?

The stable has had some wise men in it

7. Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much?

She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes

8. What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas?

Suits

9. Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett’s Christmas Party?

She misjudged the strength of the punch

10. Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump’s favourite wrapper

11. What’s the biggest complaint about Network Rail’s Christmas seasoning?

They keep changing the thyme

12. Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?

Because he’s tired of being in the single market

13.  What’s the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas?

Harry and Meghan’s wedding preacher

14.  What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey?  

Shred sauce

Jokes seen first on:https://www.independent.ie/
#joke #short #christmas #pun
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Four Things

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 December 2015
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Finding Perfect Men

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 October 2015
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 December 2009
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (57)

Scientifically speaking, it is...

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 December 2011
  • Currently 2.56/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (50)

Police Quotes

“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”

“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 December 2011
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (45)

Why do you want a divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Little Emily was complaining t...

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 November 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

I can't date you

I can't date you if you can't handle my weirdness, sarcasm, stupid jokes, and my tendency to laugh at almost everything.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 April 2016
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Postal Mail

I got a big envelope in the mail that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Two small boys met during thei...

Two small boys met during their first day at school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

My Super Ex-Wife

My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.
She thought she was God.
I disagreed.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 May 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

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