Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 December 2018

“When the goose hit D

“When the goose hit Dracula like a feather duster it was soon down for the Count.”

The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Juan comes up to the Mexican b

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Brand new Christmas cracker jokes

1. What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?

Pays her off

Voted the best new Christmas cracker joke of 2018, author:Edinburgh teacher, Michael Hughes, 37 - the winner of the competition run by TV Channel Gold.

2. Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas?

Because she’s trying to bring back Chequers

3. Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play?

No prophet

4. What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas?

Their silence

5. When do sheep practice their new dance?

While shepherds watched them floss by night

6. What’s the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born?

The stable has had some wise men in it

7. Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much?

She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes

8. What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas?

Suits

9. Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett’s Christmas Party?

She misjudged the strength of the punch

10. Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump’s favourite wrapper

11. What’s the biggest complaint about Network Rail’s Christmas seasoning?

They keep changing the thyme

12. Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?

Because he’s tired of being in the single market

13.  What’s the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas?

Harry and Meghan’s wedding preacher

14.  What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey?  

Shred sauce

Jokes seen first on:https://www.independent.ie/

Four Things

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

Finding Perfect Men

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

Scientifically speaking, it is...

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Police Quotes

“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”

“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

The Sailor and the computer

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Life after death?

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.
“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

Martini

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."    

Reading a poem by Shakespeare

'I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.'

Spike Milligan (1918-2002)

Picture: Rex Features

Tea set

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

What causes it?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."