Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 25 December 2018

“What did the adult s

“What did the adult swan say to the singing baby swan? Is that your signature tune?”

A small boy came running out o...

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.
"What's the matter?" asked his father.
"I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."
"Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out."
So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.
"Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.
"Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago."

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

I will seek and find You...

I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'mfinished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!

I Have A Question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

A Day on the Bus

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said:"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.

A Blonde walks into a Restarau...

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"
The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."

An Israeli doctor says...

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

Kittens

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."

Meals in Heaven

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away,

the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,

and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell

and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,

pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry,

and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of

tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed

a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and

chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna

was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to

be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this

is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the

Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two

people, does it pay to cook?"

The will to live

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

Sermon made him pay income tax

After hearing a sermon about lies and deceit, a man wrote the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have reviewed my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $900.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds,
"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

Math Teacher

The night before one exam, two students tied one on, (well, actually, tied two on, one each), and managed to sleep through the final. They realized they were in serious trouble, so they agreed to tell the professor that they had a flat tire on the way to the exam.
``No problem." said the Professor, ``Come by my office at 5 P.M. and I'll give you the exam then."
Feeling pretty clever, the students spent the intervening time getting information on the exam from students who had already taken it, and making sure they knew how to do the problems. Coming to the professor's office that evening, they were told, ``Leave your books in my office, and I'll put you in two separate rooms for the exam." They were both ecstatic to see that the Professor had given them the exact same exam taken by the class that morning. However, there was an additional page tacked on the end, upon which was written, "For 50% of the grade, which tire was flat?"