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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 19 January 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 19 January 2019

Jim is planning to marry, he i

Jim is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Jim, all of us use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit, which consist of a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Jim asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen', you hit her with the shovel."
#joke #doctor #wedding #bride
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

In 1972, Joe Miller was on ho

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected theelephants foot, and found a large piece of wooddeeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently ashe could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife,after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joestood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing.The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its frontfoot off the ground, and then put it down.The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant...Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and madehis way into the enclosure. He walked right up tothe elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephanttrumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one ofJoe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
#joke #animal #bull #elephant
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

 School Collection 01


A history joke
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!

A math joke
Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

A history joke
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opneder?
He had a bee in his suit of armour!

A history joke
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

A history joke
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!


#joke #animal #bee
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Brewery workers dema...

“Brewery workers demand for concessional beer for their consumption, was considered on a case by case basis, and a ration-ale decision was reached by the management.”

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Why No Luck?

Ole and Lena are driving home from a party one night when Ole gets pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to the window and asks Ole, "Sir, did you realize that you were speeding?"

"No sir," replies Ole, "I had no idea I was speeding."

Suddenly, Lena blurts out, "Yeah you did Ole! You were speeding and you knew it the whole time!"

"Would you be quiet Lena, this isn't the time or the place!"

"Well, you were speeding and now you're trying to lie about it," says Lena.

Ole replies, "Will you just shut up for once, I'm sick of you bossing me around!"

The officer, still standing at the window of the car is surprised at the way Ole is talking to his wife. He asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like this?"

"No," she replies, "only when he's been drinking."

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 January 2016
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (13)

Can We....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.  The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 January 2015
  • Currently 9.15/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (59)

To be or not to be? That is th...

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 January 2012
  • Currently 2.84/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (45)

Drunk date

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.

He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.

The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.

So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"

So the man says, "I have to get my date drunk."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

#joke #drinks #vodka
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 January 2011
  • Currently 3.52/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (42)

Hold that thought

Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold onto a thought.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 January 2012
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (36)

Take Your Time

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale. 'My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale,' she said.
'I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,' her friend replied.
'Normally, yes,' she said. 'But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 October 2017
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

Get A Heart Transplant

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 August 2018
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs

A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

Bill Murray (September 21 1950-)

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 January 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

I Guess It Works

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained,
"I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."    

#joke #doctor #fruit #banana #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 December 2014
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

A Faithful Woman

An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

#joke #prank #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 February 2010
  • Currently 7.05/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (42)

Act Your Age

When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.”
“Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked.
“No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

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