Jokes of the day for Sunday, 20 January 2019

1. I started with nothing. I s

1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is fallingapart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they wereout of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfwaythough.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're thehydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate andstay resident.

Brewery workers dema...

“Brewery workers demand for concessional beer for their consumption, was considered on a case by case basis, and a ration-ale decision was reached by the management.”

Although he always odered just...

Although he always odered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.
One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.
After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice, sir, that I scratched something that you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "So go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."

Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

 Silly Collection 06

What is Cheddar Gorge?
A large cheese sandwich!

What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea?
It gets wet!

Why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her?
To feed her nightmare!

What city cheats at exams?
Peking!

What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
It doesn't eat much!

Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA?
Because it has 4 A's and one B!

Who invented fire?
Some bright spark!

After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

This Wife Is Too Jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Texan Farmer Travels

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

I think Cheney is starting to lose...

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'" -- Jay Leno

Tom Segura: Girls in Atlantic City

Every girl either has blonde hair with black streaks or black hair with blonde streaks. Which, either way, says: I dont have a gag reflex.

Last night, it was so cold

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Johnny Carson (1925-2005)

Picture: AP

An office exec was interviewin...

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."

Double Martini

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Hari Kondabolu: Where Are You From?

Hes like, Hey, man, where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And then hes like, No, I mean where are you really from? Which, for those of you who dont know, thats code for, No, I mean, why arent you white?

One wish

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up.

A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."

The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'