Jokes of the day for Saturday, 26 January 2019

Signs she is getting bored

Signs she is getting bored having sex with you
1. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
2. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
3. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
4. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
5. Only moans during commercial breaks.
6. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
7. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
8. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
9. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
10. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
11. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
12. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
13. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
14. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
15. Keeps asking, "Are you sure you're not gay?"
16. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating.
17. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
18. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
19. She yells out her own name.
20. Bangs her head on the headboard before you begin.

Clever News Reporter

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Once there was a Sco...

“Once there was a Scottish thief who stole only valuable, antique tartans. When he was arrested, he plaid guilty.”

"My fellow Americans, I've si

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" -- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.
"This is a great day for France!" -- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" -- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -- George Bush
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." -- Dan Quayle
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.
"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." -- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." -- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -- George Bush
"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." -- Ronald Reagan
"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan

Ice Fishing In Alaska

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says,

"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE."

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.

The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH

The drunk looks up and says, "Is this God trying to warn me?"

The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

Sheng Wang: Toilet With No Water

I took a dump in a toilet with no water. I had to tell my friends, Yeah, I dropped the kids off at the skate park.

Love and Cherish till …..

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

Brian Regan: New Baby Greeting Cards

They have a section called, New Baby. I dont think you need the word new. Theyd have to clear up confusion. Do you have an Old Baby section? Cause my friends had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and hes 12.

Leaving Dan In My Will

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'

What do blondes say

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?

A1: Thanks Guys.

A2: Are you boys all in the same band?

A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023

Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through

If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

1. What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
2. What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
3. That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
4. I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
5. What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
6. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
7. What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
8. All I want for Christmas is ewe.
9. I'm pine-ing for you.
10. Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
11. Your presents are requested.
12. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
13. What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
14. I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
15. The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
16. This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
17. I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
18. A round of Santa-plause, please.
19. Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
20. Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
21. Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
22. Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
23. Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
24. These decorations are tree-mendous.
25. I only have ice for you.
26. It is ice to meet you.
27. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
28. How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
29. Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
30. How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
31. What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
32. Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
33. Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
34. Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
35. Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
36. What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
37. It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
38. If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
39. That look soots you.
40. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
41. Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
42. It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
43. The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
44. How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
45. What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
46. You sleigh me.
47. I’ll never fir-get.
48. In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
49. You’re the best person I snow.
50. It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
51. I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
52. Rebel without a Claus.
53. You’re my soul Santa.
54. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
55. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
56. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
57. Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
58. What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
59. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
60. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
61. What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
62. What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
63. When I think about you, I touch my elf.
64. He is a fungi to be with.
65. Eat, drink, and be tacky.
66. I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
67. You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
68. What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
69. Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
70. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
71. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
72. Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
73. What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
74. Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
75. What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
76. Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
77. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
78. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
79. Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
80. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
81. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
82. Eat, drink, and be meowy.
83. Have a meowy Christmas.
84. Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
85. May your days be meowy and bright.
86. All I want for Xmas is mew.
87. Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
88. Catty Canes.
89. The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
90. Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
91. I love hanging with you this season.
92. Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
93. Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
94. Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
95. I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
96. Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
97. This year my tree is #ballin.
98. Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
99. Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
100. Looking at you is like reading poetree.
101. Birch, please.
102. I love the festive season more than you think.
103. Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
104. I’m having fun fir sure.
105. I love you a whole watt.
106. What a de-light you are to be around.
107. Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

A couple is dressed and ready...

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.

8 short jokes for good start of the week

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the ...
Minneapolis?

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers ...
The Times are rough

Sink or swim?
Sod it, I'm going in the pool. The dishes can wait!

My friend asked me to name two things that hold water.
"Well, Dam."

I think it is a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit
But that's just my two scents

So this kid comes home from school in panic and says Dad, they are all picking on me…are we pyromaniacs?
The dad looks down sadly and says. We arson.

4 asked 5 out but got rejected ...
Cause it was 2 squared.

My wife told me to stop counting.
But I didn't one two.

The Woman Is On Fire

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."