Jokes of the day for Friday, 02 August 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 02 August 2019 |
“All of the riders fo
“All of the riders for the old west mail service had to be small. That’s why they called it the Puny Express.”
New Elements On The Periodi
New Elements On The Periodic TableElement: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Dealing With A Juggler
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Read this question, come up wi
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..
While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.
Cowboy without a horse
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Jon Dore: Predict the Words
I dont like cell phones. Im never sending another text message as long as I live because I dont like a phone that tries to predict the words Im trying to send to people. Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day. But I meant to text, You should get tested. Jessi Klein: Backhanded Compliment
Guys have said to me, You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are. And then theyre just like, Enjoy. And Im like, That is not nice. That is like, at best, thats like a backhanded compliment. And at worst, thats just like a forehanded insult because I know that what that sentence really means is, Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, its easier for me to f**k you. An old man went to the college...
An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."
The old man said, "And the same old story..."
A pregnant woman gets into a c...
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Pete Lee: Making Love in a Car Wash
I was reading this article the other day, and it said, The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash. Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. Its also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser. A little boy and his grandfath...
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. Thelittle boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfatherreplies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limpto put back in that little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can ofhairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes backout and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma
Ski Buddies
Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.
To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream!
The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."
How kind you are?
No matter how kind you are,
German children are kinder.
Joke found on reddit, posted by mattsulli in 2016
Photo by Elliot11 Medino on Pixabay
