Jokes of the day for Saturday, 24 August 2019

David Copperfield is doing his

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts f**king her from behind.
David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's f**king magic."

"What Happens Here, Stays Here

"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders:
1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.)
2) It's The Gambling, Stupid
3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home
4) Where Luck Goes to Die
5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong
6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got

 Answering Machine Message 152

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Car Doors Recess

Little Johnny, on recess, was carrying a car door while playing outside with his buddies on a very hot day.
His teacher called him over to ask, "Why?"
Little Johnny replied, "If I get too hot, I can roll down the car window!"

Eels being friendly

“Groups of eels that value being friendly with one another are social morays.”

Traffic court

A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

A doctor is complaining to a mechanic...

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

A blonde is swimming in a rive...

A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" She says, "I'm washing my clothes." The man asks, "Why don't you use a washing machine?" The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.

A housewife with three young c...

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.
She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

Blonde in a Pet Store

A blonde lady in the pet shop asks about buying a gold fish.
The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium.
Her reply, 'I don't care what sign it is.'

A man runs to the doctor and s...

A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"

Why the sun lightens our hair...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

A few moments after the daught...

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

"Oh Daddy, you men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."