Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 September 2019

“Buying a new toilet

“Buying a new toilet was a big expense for me, so I decided to sit on it for a while.”

Standing at the ATM.

Saw a lad standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing?
He was just checking his balance.

After years of working for oth

After years of working for others and being passed over for promotions, John and his wife, Mary, decided to go into business together. After examining the classifieds, they bought a small candy stand, paying thirty cents for each box of candy and then selling it for thirty cents.
At the end of the day they were astonished to find that they had sold every box of candy, yet had exactly as much money as when they started.
"You see?" John snarled at his wife. "I told you we should have bought a larger stand!"

Top secret....

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super- secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

A little old man shuffled slow

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids'

 Jokes Of Science 03

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."
Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll have what he's having."
Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you a martini "Descartes says "I don't think..." and he disappears
Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his l...

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.

Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis

My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find.

A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

Britney and Christina Work Together

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.

Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."

Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

Where are the worst hotels?

Where are the worst hotels?
- Texas, the lone star state.

A fellow nurse at my hospital ...

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

You are meant to be together

Sometimes, you find the right person at the wrong time. Sometimes it’s the wrong person at the right time. But when you find the right person, at the right time, in the right situation, it’s because you are meant to be together. Fate has grabbed both of your hands. Don’t let go.

A truck driver was driving alo...

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign thatread, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before he could stop, the bridge isright ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on hiships, and says, "Got stuck - huh?"
"No," the truck driver says, "I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."