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Jokes of the day for Monday, 30 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 30 September 2019

Skim milk pun

“I quite like skim milk, but buttermilk is whey better.”

#joke #short #pun
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Funny Facts

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love... but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #59 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Wrong Kid Is Mowing


Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

  1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
  2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
  3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
  4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
  5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
  6. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
  7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
  8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
  9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
  10. No toes.


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Cutting Stone

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?
Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

Lost in the supermarket

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 October 2016
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (15)

A turkey was chatting with a b...

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 August 2015
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nig...

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2011
  • Currently 2.84/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (44)

Horse back riding

A blonde goes horse back riding.

It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.

The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.

The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.

She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2011
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (41)

Three Nurses Tricks

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 September 2010
  • Currently 6.54/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (37)

Hair pulling

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2016
  • Currently 9.06/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (34)

Demetri Martin: Futon World

Theres a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2011
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (22)

I'm sorry, said the clerk in flower...

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 January 2016
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

The Devil

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 August 2010
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (72)

Need A New Home

I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll climb over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

The Devil

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 August 2010
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (72)

Jokes Archive

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