Jokes of the day for Monday, 30 September 2019
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 30 September 2019 |
Funny Facts
1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love... but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Wrong Kid Is Mowing
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
- He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
- On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
- Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
- Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
- You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
- He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
- Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
- Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
- Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
- No toes.
Cutting Stone
Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?
Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.
A turkey was chatting with a b...
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy.""Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a nig...
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.Horse back riding
A blonde goes horse back riding.It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.
The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.
The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.
She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.
Three Nurses Tricks
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.
The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.
The third nurse fainted.
Hair pulling
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."
Demetri Martin: Futon World
Theres a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.A man and a woman had been dat...
A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.
"Don't worry, honey," he said.
She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.
As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Oh my!!! I thought you said your penis was like a baby!"
"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"
Everyone on a passenger ship c...
Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands."Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"
"I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."
The weirdest Christmas
The weirdest celebrity Christmas ever was when Eminem sang in reverse and then disappeared.He un-rapped his presence.
National Dolphin Day Jokes
Today is National Dolphin Day! Find a joke about it!
Why don't dolphins play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net!
What is a dolphin’s favourite TV programme?
Whale of fortune!
What does a dolphin ask when he doesn't understand?
Can you be more Pacific?!
How do dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
#worlddolphinday