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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 29 April 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 29 April 2020

“I'm going to recolo

“I'm going to recolor this fabric, or dye trying!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

My Girlfriend Gets Mad

My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria then ever!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.18/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #49 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Knock Knock Collection 031


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Carl!
Carl who?
Carl get you there quicker than if you walk!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Carmen!
Carmen who?
Carmen get it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Carrie!
Carrie who?
Carrie the bags into the house please!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Carrot!
Carrot who?
Carrot me back home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cash!
Cash who?
Cash me if you can!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Wrong way....

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 May 2017
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (23)

Mr. Dewey was briefing his cli

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 April 2017
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

The newly rich couple were hav

The newly rich couple were having trouble adjusting to life in their mansion. After the first dinner there, the husband asked his wife, "Shall we have coffee in the library?"
"Too late," she replied. "The library closes at five."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 August 2016
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

The Denver Broncos quarterback...

The Denver Broncos quarterback bought part of the team. It's being called the Tebow stake.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 February 2012
  • Currently 5.08/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (12)

Answering Machine Message 225


(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 April 2010
  • Currently 3.47/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (51)

Salvation by Annoyance

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 April 2011
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (45)

Every time a bell rings Chuck ...

Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills a bear.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 April 2012
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (45)

Shy guy in bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 April 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (40)

Chicken Gun

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 April 2010
  • Currently 7.58/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (40)

Get Me My Drink

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 September 2015
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

An elderly married couple...

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

#joke #doctor #december
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 March 2016
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Nice pigs sir

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.

The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."

Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."

The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 August 2016
  • Currently 8.54/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (28)

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