Jokes of the day for Sunday, 28 June 2020

Full garbage cans are a terror

Full garbage cans are a terrorist threat, aka Bin Laden.

A couple return from their hon

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.
The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend, "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change."

 You Are In California

You Know You're In California When...

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
   
2. You were born somewhere else.
   
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
   
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
   
5. Your car has bulletproof windows.
   
6. Left is right and right is wrong.
   
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
   
8. Your mouse has only one ball.
   
9. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
   
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
    
11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
    
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
    
13. Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
    
14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
    
15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
    
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
    
17. More than clothes come out of the closets.
    
18. When 'the Dead' are best live.
    
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
    
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
    
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
    
22. Smoking in your office is not optional.
    
23. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
    
24. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
    
25. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
    
26. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
    
27. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
    
28. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
    
29. When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
    
30. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
    
31. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
    

Dad, You Are My Hero

Son: Dad, You are my hero.
Dad: Really?
Son: Yes. Can you give me an autograph with your eyes closed?
Dad: Well, yes, of course.
Son: That's great! Then here, close your eyes and sign my report card.

“If a single statisti

“If a single statistician meets another single statistician does she datum or does he data?”

Auctions and golf...

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"

Bubba applied for an engineeri...

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

50/50

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.

The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."

The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"

The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

An elderly couple was attendin...

An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silentlypassed gas - what do you think I should do?"
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

“We're having a Japa

“We're having a Japanese-themed dinner party. Wanna kimono?”

Definitions....

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

April Fool's Day - Spill “milk” all over your...

Spill “milk” all over your kid’s most prized possession. This splatter (which won’t harm your kid’s computer or anything else) is easily made using glue and soap.

A man went to an upscale Manha...

A man went to an upscale Manhattan restaurant and ordered soup du jour. When the waitress brought it out, he exclaimed, "What is this?"
The waitress said, "Why, it's bean soup."
The man said, "I don't care what it has been, what is it now?"

An angry wife to her husband o...

An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

Imagination

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.

“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had.”

“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”