Jokes of the day for Sunday, 13 September 2020
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 13 September 2020
Ducks can be interesting. TheyDucks can be interesting. They have such aquacktic personalities.
A guy came into a bar one dayA guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Wow! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
He Did It His Way
"To do is to be..." -- Descartes.
"To be is to do..." -- Sartre.
"Do be do be do..." – Sinatra!
Adam was hanging around the GaAdam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be awoman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, andwhen you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had adisagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passionwhenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Police Are In A Chase
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
Job application...This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....
NAME - Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION - Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.
SALARY - Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any
PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
A married couple was watching...A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
Two men were hunting deer when...Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.
The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.
The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.
He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."
An old man who loves to fish...An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Serving Two Masters
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
Where Is God?In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it nearly always turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby who worked withdelinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk to them.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly said, "We are in big trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
At school, Little Johnny was t...At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makesit very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know thewhole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." Thefather promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets himby saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
The Peeing Accident
A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and back he’d lose a half hour of time.
The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.
Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!
At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened. "Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex."
The coroner said, "Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?"
The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand screaming, ‘Where did that cocksucker go!’ "
Auctions and golf...
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"