Jokes of the day for Sunday, 13 September 2020

Ducks can be interesting. They

Ducks can be interesting. They have such aquacktic personalities.

A guy came into a bar one day

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Wow! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

He Did It His Way

"To do is to be..." -- Descartes.
"To be is to do..." -- Sartre.
"Do be do be do..." – Sinatra!

Adam was hanging around the Ga

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be awoman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, andwhen you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had adisagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passionwhenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

 Police Are In A Chase

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.

Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

Human cloning is outlawed beca...

Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

A married couple was watching...

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."

An old man who loves to fish...

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Serving Two Masters

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

Retainer Day jokes

International Retainer Day falls on July 19 every year. This day challenges you to commit to your beautiful smile by keeping your retainer on after dental treatment. Use these jokes to smile all day long!

This lawyer has a $70,000 retainer...
He must care a lot about his teeth!

I’ve been working for an orthodontist on a freelance basis…
… but now they’ve put me on a retainer.

My dentist said I need braces, but I needed to pay something upfront.
So I asked him "wait, do I need braces or a retainer?"

How do dentists pay for their lawyers?
Retainers

What type of bear has no teeth?
A gummy bear!

Why did the FBI raid the dentist’s office?
To perform a cavity search.

Why should you be kind to your dentist?
Because they have fill-ings too!

Why did the smartphone go to the dentist?
It had a Bluetooth.

Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling!

What does an orthodontist do on a roller coaster?
She braces herself.

My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I told him I drink it.

Patient: How much does it cost to have a tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.
Patient: All that for only a few minutes of work? That’s expensive.
Dentist: Don’t worry, I can pull it out slower if you’d like.

Until it came out in conversation,
no one knew she had a dental implant.

A mother-in-law sent two ties...

A mother-in-law sent two ties to her son-in-law. Some weeks later, she was invited for lunch, and so he wore one of them in the hope of pleasing her.
The meal was a tense and uncomfortable one, with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.
Finally she spoke. "Alright, what's wrong with the other tie?"

A pious man who had reached th...

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

The quickest way to a man's heart

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Roseanne Barr (November 3 1952-)

Picture: Kevin Winter/Getty Images