Jokes of the day for Monday, 21 September 2020
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 21 September 2020
The Right Answer
First Freshman in Math Exam: "How far are you from the correct answer?"
Second Freshman in Math Exam: "About two seats away."
Your accountants letter of resYour accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
The teenage son was having troThe teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.
"The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said.
"Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Answering Machine Message 189
This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.
The renegade employee who defe...The renegade employee who defecated in an aquarium was accused of sharking his doodies.
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
Having arrived at the edge of ...Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
Cross the AtlanticWhy did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
Request Before DeathA murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
A Maharajah Of IndiaThe maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
A drunk man who smelled like b...A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being withcheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the manand apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.I was just reading here that the Pope does.
Better than money
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."