Jokes of the day for Sunday, 13 December 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 13 December 2020 |
Sewage treatment plants create
Sewage treatment plants create a lot of manure fracturing jobs.In Kent a business man was con
In Kent a business man was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Essex and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
The phone rings and the lady o
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.''Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
Eat pork?
A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"
Two blondes, Carol and Patt...
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!
Scientifically speaking, it is...
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.Police Quotes
“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” “If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”
“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”
“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Just how big were those two beers?
A father is explaining ethics
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business..."Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?
A California Highway Patrolman...
A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition."What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
A man boards a flight and is l...
A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
Beam Me Up
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Correct answer is Three...
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I don't mind kids p...
“I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.”
A guy calls a company and orde...
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a signaround her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me youcan have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and hedoes his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happenswith him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that hehas lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the companyto order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscularguy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neckthat reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
