Jokes of the day for Sunday, 17 January 2021

All Cleared Up

My 5 year old: "Do trees poop?"
Me: "Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils."

A man walks over the Red Light

A man walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him. He stops, bangs on the window and asks, "So, what does this cost?"
The hooker replies, "25 dollars."
The man said, "Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulated windows."

An attorney arrived home late...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

The Hole

The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

The juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

The Reverend and the golf game

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

5 Blondes celebrate

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."

They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

Catsup

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

Nasty women?

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they are pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys an extra case of beer.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?

The man.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?

A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?

Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do little boys whine?

Because they're practicing to be men.

Wet t-shirt contests make good...

Wet t-shirt contests make good areola-tee television.

Whats My Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

In retrospect

Dead Lawyer

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Brian Regan: One Eye Set Higher

My eye doctor told me this, Im not making this up. He goes, You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye? No, I didnt know that. He goes, Its no big deal; it doesnt affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.