Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 03 February 2021

A big Texan is walking down th

A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.
This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want."
Liam says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days."
"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine."
"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im," says Liam.
The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now."
"Oh well," says Liam, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then."
"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.
The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!"
"I keep tellin' you he don't look too good," says Liam, "and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up."

Last To Die

When you die, which part of your body is LAST to die?
Your eyes... they dilate!

Rising to the Occasion

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology

professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided

the next time he did something offensive, they would all

stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very

next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African

natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be

interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a

cock twelve inches long."

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.

The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The

next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

The three wise men are out for...

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

In light of the rising frequen...

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

Name the animals...

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

Air & Sex

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

A bear walks into a bar. He sa...

A bear walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... and tonic." The bartender says, "Sure, but what about the big pause?" The bear says, "I was born with them."

How retired folks stay happy and occupied

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a shit head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

After John had purchased movie...

After John had purchased movie tickets for himself and his girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while he got some popcorn. By the time he was served, the previews were being shown and the theater was dark. John stumbled his way through the dark, sat down and gave his girlfriend a kiss.
Then he heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."

Today Is My Birthday

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,

"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

Handy Around the House

Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.
Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You'll never get anything new.

A man standing at a bus stop w...

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him.
The man noticed this, in fact he was getting rather annoyed at the dog.
"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady.
"Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

No Wool Downstairs

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"

A distraught senior citizen ...

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'