Jokes of the day for Monday, 24 May 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 24 May 2021 |
The situation in Egypt is tota
The situation in Egypt is totally MUBAR.Working At the Office
"How long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
Speeding Ticket
Cop pulls over a car with a couple in it.
"What's the problem officer?"
"Sir, you were going 68 in a 50-zone."
"What, that's ridiculous! I did no such thing!"
"Sir, I caught you with my radar gun, and it's always accurate, but I’ll give you some leeway and reduce it to 62.
"Well, not this time, asshole. I know I was doing 54! I'll take it to court, you son of a bitch!" The cop hands the man the ticket, and he rips it up.
"Sir, I'm going to have to insist you calm down, or I'll put you under arrest."
Suddenly, the wife interjects, "Mister, I wouldn't push it. There's no use arguing with him when he's drunk."
Skydiving for the first time
A man is going skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
Grandpa and grandma were watch
Grandpa and grandma were watching the televisionevangelical show and the preacher said, if theviewers at home wanted to be healed, place onehand on the television set and the other handon the body part where they wanted to be healed.Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the televisionset, placed her right hand on the set and herleft hand on her arthritic shoulder that wascausing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placedhis right hand on the set and his left hand onhis crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess youjust don't get it. The purpose of doing thisis to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
Ronald McDonald in a N*dist Colony
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a n*dist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.
Chuck Norris can cook minute r...
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.A man and his wife were sittin...
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
The Yiddish Parrot
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...!"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All night long he talked with the parrot...in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing some walnuts.
The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too. Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah.
On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.
Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish or not.
All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed...but the parrot didn’t say a word. Annoyed, Meyer said "Pray, parrot! You can pray...do it now while everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing.
After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird...you cost me over four thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"
A Texan farmer goes to Austral...
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
35 safe short jokes and puns
1. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it was two-tired!
2. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus!
3. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one!
4. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed!
5. What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra!
6. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
7. Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems!
8. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
9. How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
10. What is the skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trombone!
11. Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby?
She was a little horse!
12. Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!
13. How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
14. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it felt crummy!
15. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick!
16. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison!
17. Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side!
18. What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
A condescending con descending!
19. How does a train eat?
It goes chew-chew!
20. Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
21. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
22. What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
23. Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker?
Because he always found a way to lift people’s crops!
24. What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business!
25. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
26. Why did the crab never share?
Because he was shellfish!
27. What do you get when you cross a computer and a lifeguard?
A screensaver!
28. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t peeling well!
29. What do you call a cow that can play an instrument?
A moosician!
30. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Arrrrrrrr!
31. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
32. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador!
33. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, bud!
34. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic!
35. What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look, I’m changing!!
