Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 21 September 2021

The Time Traveler

A bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

A young vicar about to deliver

A young vicar about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation's attention.
"Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them," the cleric told him. "For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'"
He smiled at the young vicar's shocked look before adding, "She was my mother."
The next Sunday the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman."
He was pleased at the instant reaction, then panic-stricken. "But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"

Anyone who believes in communi

Anyone who believes in communist ideology has sickle logical problems.

Lost weight...

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 185."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Ra

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

Everybody loves Raymond. Excep...

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Having arrived at the edge of ...

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

Cross the Atlantic

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?

To get to the other tide!

A frog walks into a bank. He g...

A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"

Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who deperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"

Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"

At The End of Your Rope?

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
(Problem solved.)

Louisiana Highway Department e...

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talkedwith an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspectyour farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running fortheir lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show himyour card!!