Jokes of the day for Thursday, 28 April 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 28 April 2022 |
What's Coming Up
An aging comedian is a guest on a late night talk show.
"What do you have coming up?" the interviewer asks him.
"Mostly phlegm."
The engineer...
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Where's the money?
A notorious mafia boss is looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that he is "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, he decides to use a deaf person for the job so that even if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He then gets greedy and decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia boss soon realizes that his collection is late and sends some of his hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the hoods drag the guy to an interpreter.
One of the hoods says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"
Demetri Martin: How to Be a Bouncer
How to be a bouncer: 1) be an a**hole; 2) stand near a door.Irish Tradition
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says,
Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I've quit drinking!”
A True Story
A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, 'Ribbit. 9- Iron'.
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. 'Ribbit. 9-Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?' The frog replies 'Ribbit. Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit. 3-wood.' The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. Las Vegas.'
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?' The frog says, 'Ribbit. Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. $3000,black 6.' Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit, Kiss Me.' He figures, Why not?
After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay.
With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman.
........... 'And that, sir, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room.'
Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Few classic Dad Jokes, and few very fresh
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad
I’m a faux pa.
I changed all my passwords to 'Kenny'
Now I have all Kenny Loggins
What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?
Put it on my bill.
I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted.
A friend had a new baby girl. Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."
Her coworker: "How do you spell it, then?"
I spent all my money collecting every bird species in my zoo, except one. My wife hates it.
But I have no egrets.
A guy found a penguin and show...
A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."
