Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 04 May 2022

Delia's Way
Delia's Way
Delia's Way: Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever... who eats it?
Delia's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for headaches - Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course.
Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Why do I have a man?
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine???

#joke #fruit #apple #food #cake #salt #eating #drinks #wine #vodka

Oysters On Half Shell

Customer in a waterfront restaurant: “Waiter, these are very small oysters!”
Waiter: “Yes sir, they are very small.”
Customer: “Also, they do not appear to be very fresh!”
Waiter with a resourceful response: “Then it’s lucky they’re small, ain’t it sir?”

Grandpa, Did God Make You?

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”

A half-man, half-goat makes th

A half-man, half-goat makes the best baby-satyr.

Re-run

One fine afternoon at a golf course, two men were just finishing up the front nine when they decided to take a breather in the clubhouse. They went up to the lounge room and sat down and ordered a glass of beer. They started flipping thru the channels when they decided to watch the news. The first thing that was on was a woman about to comit suicide.

The first man says, "I bet you 100 dollars that she is gonna jump."

The second man, says, "OK, but I raise your 100 to 200 dollars saying she is not going to jump."

About four seconds after they were done making the bet, she leapt off the building, falling 17 stories, she hit the ground with a bone crunching sound.

As the loser of the bet started to get his wallet out of his back pocket the other man butted in to stop him.

"Listen, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier today and I knew she was gonna jump."

"So did I," the man said, I just didn't think she was dumb enough to do it again."

The devil herself

A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone.

“Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the devil!”

Her husband sticks out his hand. “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I’m married to your sister.”

Osama Bin Laden'

One day Osama Bin Laden is thinking: What should I blow up first? Then Osama Bin Laden said: "I have decided! bring the servent girl and tell her to get on her kneesand tell her to sacrifice her self!"

The ocean was once fresh water...

The ocean was once fresh water but Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.

Fool in love...

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

An engineer dies and reports t...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Blonde Arrow

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

A couple pulled into the drive...

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

Hungry, Hungry Eve

After the fall, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they were passing the locked gates of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, “What’s this?”Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”

Few new short jokes

I had a joke about bowling...
But I'll Spare you.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

Did you know there are no smiles in Canada?
Only skilometers.

My wife demanded I stop taking Viagra each morning before I leave for the office, and replace it with Omega-3 and B vitamins.
She wants me to work smarter, not harder.

I was kicked out of music school accused of theft
, I was only taking notes.

I just saw a sign that made me piss myself.
'Toilet Closed.'

I have successfully managed to weigh a rainbow,
turns out it was pretty light.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house...
But the kids still get in!

Did you hear about the little boy who swallowed some coins and was admitted to hospital.
When the doctor did his rounds, he asked the nurse how he was doing. The nurse said there was 'no change.

When they discover the center of the universe

When they discover the center of the universe...