Jokes of the day for Thursday, 14 July 2022

Santa puns really slei

Santa puns really sleigh me.

Useful Work Tips
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Useful Work Tips
Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace:
If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'...
If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'...
If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'...
If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'...
If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'...
If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you...
If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate...
If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground
the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'...
Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'...
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'...
Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'...
Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights...
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt...
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do...
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before...
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get...
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat...
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day...
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves...
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office...
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back...
Everything can be filed under "pending."...
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour...
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy...
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing...
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail...
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it...
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk...
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't...
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done...
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying...
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried...
Following the rules will not get the job done...
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules...
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"...
No matter how much you do, you never do enough...
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong...

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses

Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better. This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship. Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: “Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.”Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time. “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.” On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.”Church sign: “Jesus Saves!” Safeway sign across the street: “Safeway saves you more!” -

Guilty As You

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

Money From God

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."

Weight Problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."    

On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

i know him

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."  

Microsoft Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T he sign said "WHERE AM I?"

in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

A hunter was rushed into the e...

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people – they have enough sh-t on their plates.

Eddie Murphy (April 3 1961-)

Picture: Getty Images

Employee Motivation

The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!”

Train Test

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."