Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 01 November 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 01 November 2022 |
Those who split the atom were
Those who split the atom were true divisionaries.Oysters On Half Shell
Customer in a waterfront restaurant: “Waiter, these are very small oysters!”
Waiter: “Yes sir, they are very small.”
Customer: “Also, they do not appear to be very fresh!”
Waiter with a resourceful response: “Then it’s lucky they’re small, ain’t it sir?”
An amazing dog
There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :
"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."
So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."
The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.
Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.
The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"
The dog said "Meow!"
Hot Water
John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"
Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Chuck Norris invented water....
Chuck Norris invented water.A doctor at an insane asylum d...
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"
Donnell Rawlings: SeaWorld Killer
A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. Thats not funny but the headlines were funny: Killer Whale Kills. What the hell do you think a killer whales going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you dont think hed give you no roses.
Yo Mama Is So Ugly
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!
Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!
Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Patton Oswalt: The Apocalypse
Were probably going to die in the f**king apocalypse, but you know whats kind of exciting about that is that if the apocalypse actually goes down -- and I mean the f**king biblical apocalypse -- and if that starts to happen -- I mean, like, the ground opening up and demons flying out and gnawing on your flesh -- it means a couple of things. One: It means that Im wrong, and there is God and there is an afterlife. Two: It means that since there is an afterlife, you will be in the f**king VIP section of the afterlife. 
In Over Two Months
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."
April Fools’ Day Jokes - prank or get pranked
April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!
April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.
Believe nothing and trust no one this April Fools’ Day.
So it’s just like any other day.
You are here for pranks, not jokes? Check some classic April Fools’ pranks on our April Fools’ archives page
Excuse me, sir. Do you think they named April Fools’ Day in your honor?
How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent.
Just kidding—rent isn’t due today!
Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day.
I can be fooled any day of the year.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good April Fools' joke?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just an April Fools' joke.
Who needs April Fools’ Day when your whole life is a joke?
April fools.
Who needs a day for the fools?
I’m surrounded by them all year.
Why can April jump so high?
It’s spring!
Why should you avoid the stairs on April Fools' Day?
Because they're always up to something.
Why shouldn't you tell ducks jokes on April Fools' Day?
They'll quack up.
Why was everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
What do you call an overflowing toilet on April Fools' Day?
A septic prank.
What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.
What do you call a stepladder’s favorite holiday?
April Stools’ Day.
What do you call an open-toad's favorite holiday?
April Fools’ Day.
What do you call an umbrella's favorite holiday?
April Showers Day.
Some April Fools’ Day pranks never get old!
Check these Pranks you can play on people to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.
What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award?
Prank you very much!
What did the calendar say after April Fools' was declared a holiday?
"Prank you, prank you very much."
What did you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.
What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.
What's the April Fool’s lucky card in the deck?
The Joker.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fools’ Day?
On one you’re thankful, and on the other you’re prankful.
Why do omelettes love April Fools' Day?
They enjoy practical yolks.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.
You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.
