Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 January 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 02 January 2023 |
Bring What You Can Carry
Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him. Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars. Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here."New Year's Resolution
This year I made my New Year's Resolution...
To finish everything I sta...
My memory
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
Cannibalism is tough. It’...
Cannibalism is tough. It's Doug eat Doug out there.A businessman boarded a fli...
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?
Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?
TBecause everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle
Marriage Problems
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.”
A cowboy, who just moved to Wy...
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
What sort of television progra...
What sort of television programmes do ducks like?Duckumentaries
The most popular 10 Christmas cracker jokes for 2023 - voted
Gold asked British people to post their favorite jokes online. A group of judges picked the best ones, and then 2,000 people voted anonymously. The joke that got the most votes made fun of a recent event where thousands of priceless artefacts were stolen from the famous British Museum in London.
1.Did you hear about the Christmas cake on display in the British Museum?It was Stollen
2.Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward?
He can't stop talking about his X
3.Why isn't Barbie having turkey for Christmas dinner this year?
Chic-Ken is enough
4.Why aren't any schools allowed to put on a nativity this year?
They couldn't find a stable building
Check out more Jokes on Christmas Jokes
5.What impact will the 20mph speed limit in Wales have on the charts this year?
Chris Rea will be driving home for Easter
6.What happened to Mark Zuckerberg's novelty jumper when he had a cage fight with Elon Musk?
He was left with nothing but Threads
7.What's the difference between The Polar Express and HS2?
One's a fantasy about a train and the other's a film with Tom Hanks
8.What did Robert Oppenheimer get Barbie for Christmas?
Atomic Kenergy
9.Why are the train drivers on the naughty list this year?
Because they've already had three strikes!
10.How does Margot Robbie decorate her Nativity scene?
With 3 wise Ken
Little Johnny on Math
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johhny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
38 Rock jokes to celebrate International Rock Day
International Rock Day, celebrated on July 13 every year, is all about paying tribute to rocks. Have some fun with jokes that Rock!
What do you call it when two carbons are in a relationship?
Carbon dating.
Why were the rock couple breaking up?
Because they took each other for granite.
Why did the rock couple break up?
Because they couldn't comet to each other.
My wife told me she is thinking about selling Egyptian rocks.
It sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
What do you call a criminal rock?
Scum of the Earth.
Why did the rock decide to hit the gym?
Because he wanted to be bigger and boulder.
Where do the posh stones live?
Rockefeller Street!
Why did the rock sleep all day?
He was a bedrock.
How did the rock feel about going to jail?
He was petrified.
How did the rock feel when he got covered in algae?
He was lichen it.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why did the rock shower every morning?
He wanted to start with a clean slate.
What did the stone want to be when it grew up?
A rock star.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Why was the rock unprogressive?
Because it was stuck in the Stonehenge.
Why was the rock hesitant to start his work?
Because he was stuck in corundum.
What did the rock do when it rolled down the road?
It rock 'n' rolled.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs.
Who is a geologist’s favorite comedian?
Chris Rock.
What is a geologist’s favorite treat?
Rock candy.
Why did the rock take English lessons?
To help it talk boulder.
What did the rock order at the bar?
Soda on the rocks.
Did you hear about the drunk geologist?
He finally hit rock bottom.
Which rock group is made up of four men who can’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why was the criminal rock acquitted?
Because his alibi was rock solid.
What is a geologist’s favorite type of music?
Hard rock.
Which magazine do rocks subscribe to?
The Rolling Stone.
Why didn’t the stone get back together with the rock?
He had too many faults.
What did Ariel say when she met the rock pool?
You have nice mussels.
Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.
What is rock's favorite fruit?
A pome-granite.
Why do hipsters like rocks?
They’re underground.
Where do you take an injured rock?
To the Rocktor.
Why did the judge find the rock guilty?
The lawyers had concrete evidence.
How do stones get to outer space?
By rock-et.
What kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean?
Heavy rock.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What did the young rock say about failing his tests?
I don't want to talc about it.
Condoms
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil- covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"
Wrong way....
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"
