Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 14 February 2023

The Thoughtful Waiter

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "What's with your hand on my steak?"
"Sorry," answers the waiter, "I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

How can you tell if a little p

How can you tell if a little person is blind?

Pee in the pool....

Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.

"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

You have to stay in shape...

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and... we have no idea where she is.

Laura Kightlinger: Holidays for the Lonely

It goes: Christmas, New Years Eve and Valentines Day. Is that fair to anyone whos alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone. And if you didnt get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Years -- boom! theres Valentines Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentines Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You?

Procrastination

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."

What Deep Thinkers Men Are

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

Distance means

Distance means nothing when, someone means everything.

Lost boots

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

Scary Flight

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

Love with a beautiful blonde

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for.

WC Fields (1880-1946)

Picture: Perseus Book Group

Motional attachment

I will really miss being able to walk if my legs get amputated
It's a case of a motional attachment.

It was the annual homecoming d...

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.
After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.
She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

Shipwrecked on an Island

Two men were shipwrecked near an island. When they landed ashore, one of them began screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"The second man leaned calmly against a palm tree. When the first man saw how calm his friend was, he went crazy and shouted, "Don't you understand?! We're going to die!! "Undisturbed, the second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week. "Dumbfounded, the first man looked at him and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!! "The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. Wherever I am, my pastor will be sure to find me!"