Jokes of the day for Monday, 20 February 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 20 February 2023 |
New-Fangled Ideas
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.""All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"- Dead Lawyer
A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
My love for small sunbaked rod
My love for small sunbaked rodents is in tanned gerbil.The check-up...
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants!
A man sits down at a bar and o...
A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."Winning toast
Patrick hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"
And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A woman goes into a dentist�...
A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.
To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.
Bill Gates Can Choose His Punishment
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
A farmer is sitting in the nei...
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Pearly Gates
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
World Older Persons Day Jokes
On 1st October we recognize the International Day of Older Persons! Here are some jokes to mark the occasion:
An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her.
"So," he says, "Do I come here often?"
What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together.
They lived to a ripe old age.
What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.
These are not gray hairs! They are
wisdom highlights.
Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.
Old age makes us great multitaskers.
I can sneeze and pee at the same time!
What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends …
because they can’t remember them!
Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.
Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.
How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.
Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me.
My knees, my back, my neck …
I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!
What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.
I called the incontinence hotline recently.
They asked if I could hold.
Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is
your husband.
Bad weather
This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.
So the manager sent him up to room "69".
He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."
She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.
Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
