Jokes of the day for Thursday, 20 April 2023

Assassin farted

Which assassin farted in a crowded theatre box?
John Wilts Booth.

Bear Hunting

A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle. After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I'll do as I please." The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious. He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, "You know the drill." Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka. Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires. The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, "This isn't really about hunting for you, is it?"

Lotsa Amore

Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million Sicilian people.
That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

Chinese Language Day Jokes

Today is Chinese Language Day! Find jokes about it!

Q: Why is learning Chinese a piece of cake?
A: Because you can always find a "take-out" option!!"

Q: Why did the Chinese language student always carry chopsticks?
A: They wanted to make sure they could always "pick up" new words!

Q: How do Chinese language learners stay warm during winter?
A: They keep themselves wrapped up in Chinese "characters"!

Q: Why did the Chinese language student become a great cook?
A: Because they mastered the art of "stir-frying" words and phrases!

#chineselanguageday

A Jewish Mother After Hanukkah

A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

Special childrens rate...

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

Producing A New Gum

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

Guns – Good Question, Better Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian General.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

There is no theory of evolutio...

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

The Trouser Snake

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

Ladies Restroom

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?” He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?” She replies, “I don't know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…” Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.” She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking “I'm in!!!” She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?” The bartender nods…yes. “Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”

You've all heard of the Air F...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

When the rain fell

When the rain fell on our heads it was like glorious piss.
So I quoted Shakespeare, saying “The sky is a most excellent can o' pee.”

Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately. So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"