Jokes of the day for Saturday, 16 September 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 16 September 2023 |
The Worst Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
The Hard Worker
Boss: "Working hard here, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Ever since I heard you coming down the stairs, boss!"
An opening joke...
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Was Ireland a hotbed of glam r...
Was Ireland a hotbed of glam rock?They once tried to carve Chuck...
They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.Dov Davidoff: Dressing Up Like a Referee
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you? I was like, Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together. And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be like, Do I look like I work here, chief? Myq Kaplan: New Game Show
I have a new idea for a game show for people who are high, and its called Can You Remember What You Just Saw? Thats actually the bonus round. Round one is Can You Describe Whats in Front of You Right Now? OK, you got it? Were going to take it away. What was it? We will not accept awesome. Blonde - Tracks
Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see sometracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The
second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one
said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?
They all got hit by a train!
Eugene Mirman: Kids Say the Darnedest Things
A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education. 
Knock Knock Collection 189
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walt!
Walt who?
Walt till your father gets home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walter!
Walter who?
Walter-wall carpeting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Warner!
Warner who?
Warner you coming out to play!
Patton Oswalt: The Apocalypse
Were probably going to die in the f**king apocalypse, but you know whats kind of exciting about that is that if the apocalypse actually goes down -- and I mean the f**king biblical apocalypse -- and if that starts to happen -- I mean, like, the ground opening up and demons flying out and gnawing on your flesh -- it means a couple of things. One: It means that Im wrong, and there is God and there is an afterlife. Two: It means that since there is an afterlife, you will be in the f**king VIP section of the afterlife. 
26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes
Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.
Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!
A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze.
Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking.
My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!
Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?
Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.
Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack!
Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course!
Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour!
Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash!
Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather!
Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing.
Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram.
Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.
Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack.
Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme.
Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet.
Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.
Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree.
Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.
I met my wife in Hong Kong
I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?
Alexei Sayle (August 7 1952-)
Picture: PA
