Jokes of the day for Saturday, 14 October 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 14 October 2023 |
One Train Hears Another
How does a train hear another train coming?
With its engineers.
In The Hotel Lobby
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"
God, Send Me Money!
Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to “God, USA,” he decided to send it to the President of the United States.The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: “Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. As usual, those crooks deducted $95.” Pearls of wisdom...
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever! So far, so good!
Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually, you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes, age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing!!
When Chuck Norris watches a po...
When Chuck Norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
Hardware Store
Yo mamma is like a hardware store 10 cents a screw!Rich Vos: Best Relationship Ever
The best relationship I ever had -- I used to go out with a homeless girl. Yeah, it was great cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere. Waiting
Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Jon said.
"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."
Rabbit walks into a bar and few more funny jokes
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walks into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!"
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love"
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!
Why Men Wear Earrings
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."
Short jokes for sunny Tuesday
Why is "dark" spelled with a "k" and not a "c"?
Because you can't C in the dark!;
A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight,
tend to live longer
than the men who mention it!
I was so confused last night, as my printer was playing music.
Turns out my paper was just jamming.
Guys I need your help. In the middle of an argument with the wife she told me that I'm right…
What the hell do I do next?
I knew it was bad news when my friend said "you know our favorite dentist…"
I had to brace myself.
I don’t know if tampons are the best invention ever..
…but they’re definitely up there!
My doctor ordered me to take a blood test...
I got an A-. Not too bad.
Can a ninja throw a star?
SHUR-HE-CAN.
If you were born legs first,
for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!
Liverpool police stopped a car & were amazed to find it taxed,
full MOT & insured.
It wasn't stolen, there were no stolen goods or drugs.
The driver was sober & had a full clean licence...
A police spokesman said,
"We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time!"
Guy driving along the highway at 70mph,
sees a chicken running along side keeping up.
Crazy enough the chicken has three legs! Punches it to 80,
chicken stays with it then cuts off down a country road.
Guy follows it into the driveway of a farm, sees the farmer.
"Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here"?
"Yeah that's mine.
I breed them that way because me, my wife, and my son all like drumsticks"
the farm tells the driver.
"Wow that's amazing how do they taste?" the guy asks.
"Dunno"
said the farmer "never caught one before".
