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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 April 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 19 April 2018

Something to ponder

Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.z
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188
Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT  Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on Lawyers: for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 5.47/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (15)

A man tells his friend, "I wen

A man tells his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking."
"What did he say?"
"He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate."
"Did that do any good?"
"No I can't get the chocolate to light."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #41 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Where do bulls excha...

“Where do bulls exchange their messages? On a bulletin board.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

God, Send Me Money!

Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to “God, USA,” he decided to send it to the President of the United States.The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: “Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. As usual, those crooks deducted $95.”
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.06/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (17)

Answering Machine Message 27

Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra": Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Girls Night Out...

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 April 2015
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (19)

1. A bicycle can't stand alon

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalismit's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft andI'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine isfully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in Francewould result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN downunder.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn'tfind the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was neverdeveloped.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped fromprison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches willbe exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you'veseen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of grayhair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to knowbasis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer theagony of defeat.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 March 2015
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky...

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 April 2011
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (51)

A trip to the dentist...

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 April 2009
  • Currently 6.35/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (46)

Bret Ernst: Blame America

Everybody likes to blame America for everything. What are we, only 233 years old? These other countries are thousands of years old. Not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. Thats like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 April 2010
  • Currently 5.15/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (39)

Biblical Puns

Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 April 2009
  • Currently 3.35/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (37)

A Very Minor Sin

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 April 2011
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (36)

Do You Sell Dil...

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dil-ldoes h-here?"

The sa lesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibbbra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 May 2015
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

I love straight forward people

I love straight forward people.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 December 2015
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

A little girl and boy are figh...

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 28 May 2016
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

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