Jokes of the day for Thursday, 30 November 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 30 November 2023 |
Countdown to Friday: 7 Fresh Jokes to Lighten Your Week
A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach.
"You know that won't help you lose weight," she says.
"I know that," says the husband.
"But it will help me see the numbers."
A pianist goes into a bar that he wasn't there for 3 years
The pianist goes to the piano and starts to play: do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la...
just like that for an hour,
after he finishes, the bartender asks him:
what the heck did you play us now?
The pianist said:
"long time no si"
What begins with E and ends in E but only has one letter?
Envelope.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.noziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...
Well my doctor always calls me patient.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.
Really Good or Really Bad Future
3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad...
It's 5050!
Converting a Bear
Every Monday, a rabbi, a priest, and a preacher gather in a coffee shop to discuss their spiritual lives. During one of these meetings, the priest challenges the others to a unique bet: he believes he can convert a bear in the woods to his religion. The others are intrigued and accept the challenge, agreeing to share their experiences at their next meeting.The following week, they all meet in the hospital, each in varying degrees of injury. They decide to convene in the rabbi's hospital room.
The Priest's Tale
The priest, with his arm in a sling, recounts his encounter first.
"Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The others nod in approval.
The Preacher's Encounter
Next, the preacher. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm.
He says
"Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible.
So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times.
Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
The Rabbi's Experience
Finally, they turn to the rabbi. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon.
He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."
Husband Calling
Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.
"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.
"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.
"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"
"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."
Good advice...
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
A man was walking down the bea...
A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.
Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.
Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."
The grass is always greener on...
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.Hypothetically Speaking
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Old Josh was sat in his garden...
Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came."If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
Sir Ken Dodd’s greatest jokes
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.
Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'
I've seen a topl*ss lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.
The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.
Author, Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd has died 11 March 2018, at age of 90.
To Do List
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”
A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”
Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”
When my girlfriend said she wa...
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face. 
