Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 15 May 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 15 May 2024 |
Debt Free
I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"
Translated joke... Hope I'm able to do it justice!
Translated joke... Hope I'm able to do it justice!A not-so-bright man is talking to his friend, and the friend asks him, "How many pancakes can you eat on an empty stomach?". The man thinks, and says "4". The friend says, "you can only eat one!". Confused, the man asks his friend to explain, and the friend says, "Once you eat the first one, your stomach isn't empty any more!". The man chuckles at his friend's wit.
Later that day, at home, the man calls his wife and says "How many pancakes can you eat on an empty stomach?" The wife says "3". The man says, "Damn. If you'd said 4, I would have said something really funny!"
Getting John to Quit
John was a loyal choir member, but he could not carry a tune. To make things worse, he sang loud and made others sing off key. Without success, the choir director had tried to discourage John from participating in the choir. The choir director asked the pastor's help in getting John out of the choir. The pastor agreed to try. The pastor tried to find tasks and responsibilities that would interfere with John's attendance at choir rehearsal or keep him out of the choir loft on Sunday morning. John, however, would not accept any of the tasks or responsibilities, stating that he would not shirk his duties as a loyal choir member. Finally, the choir director gave the pastor an ultimatum, "Either you find a way to get John out of the choir or I will resign as choir director."So, with much uneasiness, the pastor called upon John at home one evening and said, "John, I must ask you to drop out of the choir." John was shocked and asked, "Why would you ask such a thing? We need all the singers we can get." The pastor replied, "Well, John, people are complaining about your singing." "How many?" was John's response. Not wanting to be too harsh and admit that nearly everyone in the congregation had been complaining, the pastor said, "I've received more than a dozen complaints." "I'm sorry, pastor, that's not enough. I've heard a lot more complaints about your preaching and you haven't quit yet."- Kid's say the darndest things....
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10
Terrible news
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer says: "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first," he says.
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," his lawyer informs him.
"That's the bad news?" asks the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
History of Math in America
Last week I purchased a drink at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my 2 one dollar bills. I then pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In The 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In The 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In The 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In The 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math In The 2000s
Same question as number 5 but if you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.
7. Teaching Math In 2011
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
When Chuck Norris does divisio...
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures."
Recyclables
A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send 'em to France to get turned into paper plates.
French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send 'em to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue?
French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!
Brian Regan: Einstein
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, its an insult? You dont know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein. I dont think were honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots. 
A nice girl
I met a nice girl at a bar last night and asked her to call me when she made it home.
She must be homeless.
Photo by Nicole Law from Pexels
Missing Thermometer
A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer. In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Some asshole has my pen!
Bastille Day Joke
14 July is Bastille Day! Have fun with this very Bastille Day joke!
It's the time of the French Revolution and they’re doing their usual daily beheadings.
Today they’re leading a priest, a prostitute, and an engineer up to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next, the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out:
"Hey, I see what your problem is!"
