Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 July 2024

What's the Fly Doing?

Customer: "Waiter, waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?"
The waiter leans forward to get a better look.
Waiter: “Looks like the backstroke, sir.”

Guy with a cat wins the lottery

"Hey John, I need you to take care of my cat for 3 months".

"Three months?!"

"Yeah, but don't worry, all you need to do is feed her a 3 times a day, change her sand, play with her a bit and, god forbid, take her to the vet if she needs anything".

"Damn, so... what if she..."

"I have a plan for that too. Call me and say-"

"That she died?"

"No! Heavens no! I could not take that! You need to let me down easy. Just call me and tell me she climbed on the roof".

"On the roof?"

"Well... then tell me everything is fine. Remember: let me down easy! So say 'The fire department came and is trying to get her down, but all is good, no worries'".

"Okay?"

"After 20 minutes, call me and say 'She fell off the roof but she is fine. I'm taking her to the vet just in case. All is good, no worries'". "THEN, after an hour call me and say 'The doctor says she is fine other than a broken rib, so we'll run a few tests. All is good, no worries.'" "When 30 minutes pass, call me and say 'She needed surgery, her rib caused some bleeding, but she is recovering nicely. I'll talk to you when we get home. All is good, no worries'".

"Oh boy, are you-"

"Then wait for 30 minutes, call me and say 'Hey man, I don't know how to say this but, she didn't make it. I'm so sorry'".

"Dude, are you done? I got it. If your cat dies, I'll let you down easy. No worries".

The man says goodbye to his cat and leaves. Upon arriving in South America, he gets a call from John. Visibly worried, he answers "What is it, is my cat okay!?"

"What? Yeah, she's fine."

"Really? Do you mean that?"

"Yeah man, all is good. No worries. It's just that... Your mother climbed on the roof."

Sales Help

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."

Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman

Birth control pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Chuck Norris has to use a stun...

A secretary walked into her bo...

Answering Machine Message 208

Lotsa Amore

Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million Sicilian people.
That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

Diagnose this patient

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Dumb Horse

A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya!
The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."

Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."

Drummer Problems

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

I'm going to make l...

“I'm going to make like a turtle and get the shell out of here!”

Going To A Nude Beach

My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.

A bit apprehensive...

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."