Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 August 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 07 August 2024 |
A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey
He takes a sip and then spits it out."I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."
The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.
"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"
The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:
"This one's on the house."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Now tell me, how old am I?"
Subject to Approval
An item for sale on craigslist....
"Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. [If she’s home, $100.]"
The Dead Dog
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure", the distraught woman asked? "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it", the vet announced, "your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $1,330", the vet replied.
"I don't believe it", screamed the woman! "What did you do that cost $1,330????"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan."
Ex-Girlfriend
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
A Ventriloquist Apologizes
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little shit on your lap.'
A Chuck Norris edition of Clue...
A Chuck Norris edition of Clue was to be released, but the answer was always: "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."Outdoorsy Man
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level
He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of...
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two."Pete Lee: Making Love in a Car Wash
I was reading this article the other day, and it said, The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash. Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. Its also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser. 12 pirate jokes
1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!
2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.
3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.
4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.
5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.
6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.
7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."
8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!
9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.
10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.
11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.
12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!
A little boy asked his teacher...
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'
A bunch of Indians capture a c...
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy thinks for a moment and then responds, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, dammit! P-O-S-S-E!"
Amateur Autopsy Club
I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined...
Wednesday is open Mike night!
Well, He Wanted to Know
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."
