Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 September 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 25 September 2024 |
My Old Kentucky Home
An older man at the evening function bowed his head and wept quietly but copiously while while a young woman rendered the plaintive ballad, "My Old Kentucky Home."
The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired tenderly, "Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?"
"Nay, madam," the tearful one replied, "I'm a musician."
A country rube is about to get married and he asks his Pa...
A country rube is about to get married and he asks his Pa, “Pa, how can I tell if I’m the first feller Norma Sue has ever been with on our wedding night?”“Well that’s easy son. Just do what I did on my own wedding night. All ya need is some red paint, some blue paint, and a shovel.”
“What the heck do I need those things fer?”
“Well son, you take the red paint and you color one of yer testicles red, then you take the blue paint and ya color the other one blue.”
“Really! And then what Pa?”
“Well then if she says that that’s the strangest looking pair o’ balls she’s ever seen, ya hit her with the shovel!”
When the Circus Is in Town
The Catholic parish was having its penitential rite in preparation for Christmas. The circus was in town and the tumbler decided to go to the service and make his confession. The priest he confessed to was sitting next to the communion railing. The tumbler confessed his sins and then told the priest what he did for a living. The priest was fascinated. Using the communion rail, the tumbler gave the priest a demonstration of his moves. Two women were in line, watching all this. Mable said to her friend, "If that is what the Father is giving for a penance, I had better go home and put on my pantsuit."-How To Annoy Your Co-Workers
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly thesame outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. Thisis especially effective if your boss is a different gender thanyou.
3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer tothem only by these names. 'That's a good point, Sparky.''No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with youthere, Cha-cha.'
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling themexactly what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needsme, I'll be in the bathroom.'
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them asmuch since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When youemerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself atrandom the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tellpeople you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything,ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engagingyourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to aco-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a littlesynchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it 'IN'.
13) Develope an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza,donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back towork complaining that they found none, lean back, pat yourstomach, and say, 'Oh you've got to be faster than that.'
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Onceeveryone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch toespresso.
q: What do you get when you c...
q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.
As President Roosevelt said: "...
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible
10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!
9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays.
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.
3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?
1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus
The Other 2 Wishes – A Blonde Redneck Guy Story
A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'
Expensive Barbie!
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
The horse
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, 'What was that for?'
She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'
He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?'
She answered, 'Your horse called.'
A man walks into a bar and orders a free drink
The bartender says "Sorry mate, you have to pay up. I can't just serve a free drink The man then whispers "I have a 10 inch pianist in my pocket, and he can play a little jig for you. If I can prove that, can I get the drink then?"
The bartender ponders, but then agrees. The man pulls out the pianist, and he plays "The Entertainer" before hopping back in the man's pocket. Baffled, the bartender gives him the promised free drink.
The man whispered "I also have a magic Genie, who was the one that gave me this pianist. If I let him grant you one wish, can I get another free drink?"
The bartender, already in shock over the tiny piano man in his pocket, agrees. The man pulls out a lamp, and out comes a Genie, ready to grant wishes.
The bartender exclaims "I want a million bucks!" And all of a sudden, a million ducks enter the bar.
"Ducks?! I didn't want ducks!" The bartender shouts. The man looks at him, dead in the eyes and says "You think I wanted a 10 inch pianist?"
Son of a lawyer
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
