Jokes of the day for Friday, 18 October 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 18 October 2024 |
Too Much Time Online
My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
What do you guys think?
Chuck Norris does not beg to d...
Chuck Norris does not beg to differ. Differ begs to Chuck Norris.Little Nancy was in the garden...
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."
Second Honeymoon
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.""Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...
This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot? 
You're doing just fine w...
You're doing just fine without an Irish accent. If it ain't brogue don't fix it. Pamela:''You're half an hour late...
Pamela: "You're half an hour late. I've been standing here like a fool." Candance: "I can't help how you stand."
Working in The Garden
A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
If pro is the opposite of con,
If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress? - Congress!
Fidel Castro and drinking
When he was a young man Fidel Castro went to a Cuban psychic and asked if she could tell anything about him. The old woman looked at Fidel closely and declared, “You should avoid alcohol at all costs. Because when you are drunk I predict that you will make waves, overthrow governments, and stir up revolution!”
She pointed at him, “So do not, under any circumstances, become inebriated!”
Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday
Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day. I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!
My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.
I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.
Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.
31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…
Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK, he woke up.
My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn’t go into work.
Whoever stole my depression medication —
I hope you’re happy now.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat.
What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.
How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.
Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.
Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It’s the wurst.
What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated.
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.
I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice.
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”
What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.
Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.
It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
A young blonde was on vacation...
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
