Jokes of the day for Thursday, 02 January 2025
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 02 January 2025 |
Employee Motivation
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!”
Ice Fishing In Alaska
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says,
"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE."
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.
The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH
The drunk looks up and says, "Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
A businessman boarded a fli...
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?
Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?
TBecause everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle
Marriage Problems
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.”
A cowboy, who just moved to Wy...
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
What sort of television progra...
What sort of television programmes do ducks like?Duckumentaries
Mike Lawrence: Child of Divorce
I really hate the way I found out about my parents divorce. What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me down, she said, Michael, Im leaving your father, Im going off to marry another man, and Im pregnant. And that was really messed up, cause that should have been three different trips to get ice cream.
Immaculate Misconception
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What happened?" asks the priest.
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Pineapple Jokes
June 27th is nternational Pineapple Day! Find some jokes about it!
What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple.
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.
The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass ...
is gonna get a punch.
A man goes to the doctor with a pineapple in his nose and bananas in his ears.
He says, "Doctor, what’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Isn’t it obvious? You’re not eating properly."
What is a bank card’s favourite fruit?
A PIN-apple.
Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple?
Because he couldn’t get a date.
Why was the pineapple all alone?
Because the banana split.
My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a pineapple in her face.
What do you get when you mix a pineapple with a snake?
Ananas-conda.
Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.
A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza.
Also, I lost my bus license today.
I once put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator.
Discovered the Piña Collider.
#PineappleDay #InternationalPineappleDay
Your dog bite?
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.
The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."
As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."
An Air Canada plane leaves...
An Air Canada plane leaves Toronto's Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don't like Chinese.'
No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?' ‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
‘No, no', the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.”
Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese …doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
‘I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
‘Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
‘Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
‘What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!'
‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, …no mattah …all fukin same.’
The inventor of pantyhose...
“The inventor of pantyhose really left us quite a legacy.”
Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023
What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?"
How did you find grandma’s turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!"
What’s the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.
Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight.
Find New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023, fresh and corny.
When do you serve rubber turkey?Pranksgiving!
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he's already stuffed!
What do you call an attractive pilgrim?
A puri-ten!
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach?
Puri-tan.
Our collection Thanksgiving jokes has jokes collected for many years.
Why didn't the pilgrim want to make the bread?It's a crummy job.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?
Pil-grimace.
Why did the turkey stand on stilts?
Because nobody eat flamingoes for Thanksgiving dinner.
What did the turkey say to his real estate agent?
Turn-key only.
I tried a new pie recipe.
Wow, you're a real pie-oneer.
You know you overdid it on Thanksgiving...
when you cut yourself shaving and you bleed gravy!
Not enough Thanksgiving jokes? These jokes were new not so long ago 26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes that were new on 2020!
