Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 29 April 2025
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 29 April 2025 |
International Dance Day Jokes: Celebrate on April 29th With Some Serious Dancefloor Laughs
April 29th is International Dance Day—time to move your feet and your funny bone! Celebrate with these dance jokes that have better rhythm than most of us on a Friday night
I started taking salsa dancing lessons but just don’t feel like I’m progressing...
It’s one step forwards, two steps back.
I have decided to give up tap dancing; it's too dangerous.
I fell off and twisted my ankle in the sink.
Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Check some older International Dance Day Jokes
How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
5678
Why do dancers say 5, 6, 7, 8?
Because the musicians already took 1, 2, 3, 4.
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – breakdancing, moonwalking, backflips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...
“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”
I had a fish that could breakdance on the floor...
But only for like 30 seconds... and only once.
What kind of monster is the best dancer?
The Boogieman!
Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.
What is a pretzel's favorite dance?
The Twist.
I told my mother-in-law that I would dance on her grave when she died.
Just to spite me, she got buried at sea.
What do you call a log that can dance?
A logarithm.
Drunk
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"
Grandma
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson...
"They won't let me fart."
Answering Machine Message 225
(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.
Every time a bell rings Chuck ...
Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills a bear.Salvation by Annoyance
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
Shy guy in bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"
Chicken Gun
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..
If Noah Built an Ark in 2011
And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark."Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.""I needed a building permit.""I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.""My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.""Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.""Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!""When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.""Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.""I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.""Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.""The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.""So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it." Halloween party
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well,' the cab driver says, 'I've always had a fantasy that a nun performs oral sex on me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and secondly, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'
The nun says, 'OK, pull into the next alley.'
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child, why are you crying?' says the nun.
'Forgive me sister, but I have sinned,' says the cabby. 'I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'
A Frenchman, an Englishman and...
A Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer are sitting in a train carriage together. The train goes into a tunnel and there is complete darkness.Suddenly there is a kissing sound then the sound of a really hard slap. When the train comes out the tunnel, the Englishman and Claudia are sitting as if nothing happened and the Frenchman is holding the side of his face.
The Frenchman thinks "the Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me by mistake".
Claudia thinks to herself, "the Frenchman must have tried to kiss me but accidently kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it".
And the Englishman is thinking "brilliant! In the next tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap the French twat again"!!
Upgraded bathroom
A guy wakes up with a massive hangover and stumbles into the kitchen, where he finds his wife.
“Hey, honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?” she replies, curious.
“Well, I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on by itself, and a cool breeze blew right into my face! It was amazing!”
His wife glares at him and says, “So you’re the idiot who pissed in the fridge last night!”
A Depressed Blonde Guy Walks Into A Bar
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The Blonde Guy replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
