Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 August 2025
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 August 2025 |
Lengthy sermons...
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Chuck Norris does not go hunti...
Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.Converting to the Society of Friends
Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!
A Problem Shared
They say that "a problem shared is a problem halved..."
I'm not too sure about that as last night I told my wife that my girlfriend was pregnant.
Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds,
"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
A teacher told her young class...
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet in year 2000 When ...
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When... · You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
Can't Do Without It
Duct tape is like 'The Force'...
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Dennis Gaxiola: Trophy Wife
I got a trophy wife. I know thats not right to say, cause if youre married thats your trophy. Im just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon. Arj Barker: 4th of July
I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world? 12 Dad Jokes for National Tell A Joke Day
Monsters are not good at math.... Unless you Count Dracula.
19 had fight with 20 ... and 21
I would tell a joke about pzza, but its too cheesy
I gave away all my batteries today ... free of charge
I got a universal remote for Christmas ... well this changes everything
I had a joke about construction, but im still working on it
Did u get a haircut? No i cut them all out
Dracula doesnt have many friends because hese a pain in the neck.
I stayed up all night wondering where the Sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
What did the sushi say to the bumble bee? Wasabi
Mountain aren't just funny, their hill areas.
I asked dad for his best dad joke, he said you.
