Jokes of the day for Sunday, 28 September 2025

The President And His Small Dog

The former President is disembarking his private plane, carrying his tiny dog.
One of his Secret Service men says, "Nice dog, sir."
The President says, "Thanks, I got it for the former First Lady."
The Secret Service man replies, "Nice trade, sir."

Disappearing diner

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

One wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Douche

Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?

There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.

The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.

The peach is sweeter for the eater.

And the chicken is finger lickin' good.

Submitted by Curtis

Editted by Tantilazing

Reniewed by Calamjo

Chuck Norris' first job was as...

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Jordan Rubin: New Cell Phone

You ever get a new cell phone and youre too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Surprise email

A man checked into a hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message she fainted.

The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read :

To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones.

I 've just been checked in.

How are you and the kids, the place is realy nice but am lonely here.

I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you!

Enter a Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N.... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

An elderly lady was stopped to...

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"
The man said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"
The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

I saw an Apple store get robbed

I saw an Apple store get robbed.

I was an iWitness

At Sunday School they were tea...

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

Ten Thoughts to Ponder...

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT...

America knows exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but they haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe the USA should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."