Jokes of the day for Friday, 31 October 2025

Goodbye Disney

As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!"
My son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!"
I waved and said, "Goodbye money!"

A dying mans wish...

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

Why You So Fat?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.

"Tony! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.

"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."

"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."

Pop says.

Then Pop looks at his middle son.

"Fred! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.

"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."

"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."

Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"

"It's easy, Pop," John says.

"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."

"Pussy? Pussy?"

Pop says.

"That tastes like shit!"

"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."

A funeral service is being hel...

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,

"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"

Chuck Norris has a pet kitten ...

Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.

He who laughs last thinks slow...

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Where Is My Goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

A man was walking down the bea...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."

The Inspired Sermon

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.”
The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”
“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.

A turkey was chatting with a b...

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

25 jokes that blend well with coffee

A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?”
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.”
The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”

Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.

Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.

Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
A: A mugging!

Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time.

Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar.

Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never!

Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso

Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end.

Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded.

Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
A: Déjà brew.

Thanks a latte for me being my friend

You mocha me very happy.

You’re brew-ti-ful.

A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”

There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.

If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning.

She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.

I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.

A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

Coffee and I are the perfect blend.

If the coffee is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.

A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?”

Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.

I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich

Married 25 years, I took a loo...

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

What did the drummer call his...

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
- Anna one, Anna two...

Liver and cheese....

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They're speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Childhood is like being drunk

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.