Popular jokes (18376 to 18390)

Dinosaur Crossing

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: It was the chicken's day off.

A wife had suffered for a week

A wife had suffered for a week from a really nasty virus and it left her feeling completely wiped out. On the first day that she could crawl out of bed, she discovered a "silver lining."
Pulling on a pair of jeans, she called out to her husband, "These jeans fit! They finally fit!"
"That's great," the husband replied, "but they're mine."

Blonde in a Snowstorm

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her fathers advice, If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, Well, Im done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank.

Knock Knock Collection 198

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yachts!
Yachts who?
Yachts up, doc!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yah!
Yah who?
Ride em cowboy!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yehuda!
Yehuda who?
Yehuda dance all night!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yelp!
Yelp who?
Yelp me, my nose is stuck in the keyhole!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yoda!
Yoda who?
Yoda le lee whoo!

“The leopard was so g

“The leopard was so good at guessing. Every time he was spot on.”

Barbie's Letter To Santa...

Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

The black eye...

Mr. Bailey saw his son's shiner and demanded, "Scott, who gave you that black eye?"

"No one gave it to me dad," replied the spunky lad. "I had to fight for it."

Turn signal...

On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

What Really Happened in Washington DC

The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual

conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself

against such claims. However the President would like to

state that it is possible that a perfectly innocent incident

has been twisted by right wing Republicans in order to

undermine his administration.

Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was

necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some

embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said

that he unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing

as his zipper got stuck.

Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he

found he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for

medical reasons, was forced to enlist the assistance of one

of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky.

In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to

kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the

zipper.

For medical reasons Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no

undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to

end the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr.

Clinton's penis may have fallen out of his trousers.

As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure

that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be

seen with his penis hanging out, she took the presidential

penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible should

anyone enter the room.

Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose

as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of

her face so she could properly visualize his fly.

It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's

fly, and it was during this time that another staff member

entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the

situation.

Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing

unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky.

He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a

number of occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated

assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.

“She said she never s

“She said she never sat for the artist. The fact she is now being portrayed as a painted lady is a frame-up.”

School Teacher in Court

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."

Kidding Me...

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "