Popular jokes (25756 to 25770)

Letters from Little Boys to God

Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Tom L.
Dear God,
I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?
Neil
Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce
Dear God,
If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
Raphael
Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Greg
Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.
Peter
Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.
Dean
Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Doug
Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.
Sam
Dear God,
I am American. What are you?
Robert
Dear God,
If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.
Jonathan
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.
Charles
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!
Eugene
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

Rabbi on Vacation

A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of

service by

sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.

When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on

the bed.

He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is

your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with

you."

The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where

are you going? I'm not angry at you."

NED: Did you just touch my ass

NED: Did you just touch my ass?
ED: Sure did.
NED: You're a pervert.
ED: Just call me butter cup!

The usual

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Submitted by curtis

Edited by calamjo and Megansdino

Calling Technical Support

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our

technicians are currently busy helping people who are even

less competent than you, so please hold for the next

available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at

between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit

product identification number on to your telephone, followed

by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret

compartment inside your computer where, for security

purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to

prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11

3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your

original equipment manufacturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend

that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at

some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM

disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in

order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely

event that he ever gets to your call.

If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful

customer -- and threw away your original packing materials,

please call the company that sent you the computer and ask

them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,

fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they

recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while

you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing

while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting

obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected

and blackballed from further communication with Technical

Support, not only from ours but that of every other

electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we

all talk you know)...

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order

to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to

know more about you and your equipment. Have you called

Technical Support before? If you have, please press the

numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.

If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using

the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am

confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."

Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make

arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the

technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will

be too senile to use it anyway. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all

of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that

to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may

now add at least another two hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to

the technician about your problem and risking the possibility

that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask

yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is

dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?

2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before

utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.

Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I

consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on

the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek

cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing

for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central

processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,

please get off the line immediately so that our overworked

technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose

suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really

be so bored that you have to call technical support just to

have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be

aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number

of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as

the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access

erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you

would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes!

Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to

lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may

jump you ahead of several other callers. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been

overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in

line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected

again to technical Support

1

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic

sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die

from a massive frustration attack combined with severe

dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,

please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in

its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down

its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of

Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from

our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve

your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or

beneficiaries contact us should any further technical

problems arise.

Two tourists were driving thro

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

A football fan is a guy who’

A football fan is a guy who’ll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards away, then head for the parking lot and not be able to find his own car.

Kissing a model...

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

A couple from the kids...

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked. 'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'

Real Saddam Please stand up!

This is parody of eminem's song "Will the real Slim Shady plz stand up!" the saddam hussein version.

May I have your attention please?

Infidels,

May I have your attention please?

Will the real Saddam please stand up?

I repeat! Will the real Saddam please stand up?

We gonna have a problem here...

You all act like you've never seen a dictator before

Jaws all on the floor

Like Hitler and Stalin just walked in the door

I started terrorizing years before the 1st gulf war,

Now I plan to even the score

I've got so many body doubles, Its True! No Kidding!

I don't go to the streets. They All do my bidding.

And Chemical Ali said...

Nothin you Idiots, Chem Ali's dead. I'll find a replacement.

Yeah I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose

But it's no worse than what's going on in the U.S war room

Sometimes I wanna go on Al Jazeera and let loose, but can't

But it's OK for the U.S to destory my statues.

Osama's down with this. Osama's down with that.

And if he's lucky he might get weapons from Iraq.

And thats the reason why my regime got attacked.

If I react with chemicals, I'll sure get jacked!

Of course you're gonna bomb me and my forces

By the time you fly warplanes

I'll be in Tikrit sippin' on champagne.

And when you miss me, please don't start to complain.

You've got so many soldiers tearing up my terrain.

I am like cockroach cuz you can't kill me.

The guy you're bombing now isn't the real me.

My information minister goes on TV,

So he can say I wasn't found in the debris.

And there's a million of us just like me

Who dress like me, walk, talk, oppress like me

Mustache like me, a big piece of trash like me

And just might be a piece of sh*t, but not quite me!

I'm Saddam. Yes, I'm the real Saddam.

All you other Saddams can all kiss my bottom.

So won't the real Saddam please stand up?

Please stand up? Please stand up?

Grandpa was showing little Joh...

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!"

Little Johnny and the lawnmower...

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does...just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to cuss at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

Two quick ones...

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

----------

Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

Horoscope humor...

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
ER, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned- out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Judge: Haven’t I seen you befo...

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!