Popular jokes (31 to 45)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Actuary vs. Mafia
What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year.
A mafia actuary can name them.
15 Funny Space Jokes
Why didn't the sun go to university?
Because it already has a million degrees.
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
Why weren't the astronauts hungry when they arrived in space?
Because they had a big launch.
My kid is really obsessed with the moon.
I'm hoping it's just a phase.
Why doesn't Saturn ever go to the jewellery store?
Because it already has enough rings!
Why did the sun go to school?
To get a little brighter!
Why couldn't the astronaut book a hotel on the moon?
Because it was full!
Birthday parties in space are the worst. Why?
Because they have no atmosphere.
Did you hear Einstein came up with a theory about space?
Well, it's about time!
What did Mars say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime.
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
Rocket.
What did the astronaut say when he crashed into the moon?
I Apollo-gize.
What kind of money is used for trading in outer space?
Starbucks.
Why did the star get arrested?
Because it was a shooting star!
Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.
107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023
Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through
If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
- What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
- What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
- That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
- I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
- What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
- What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
- What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
- All I want for Christmas is ewe.
- I'm pine-ing for you.
- Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
- Your presents are requested.
- Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
- What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
- I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
- The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
- This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
- I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
- A round of Santa-plause, please.
- Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
- Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
- Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
- Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
- Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
- These decorations are tree-mendous.
- I only have ice for you.
- It is ice to meet you.
- Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
- How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
- Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
- How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
- What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
- Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
- Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
- Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
- Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
- What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
- It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
- If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
- That look soots you.
- What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
- Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
- It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
- The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
- How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
- What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
- You sleigh me.
- I’ll never fir-get.
- In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
- You’re the best person I snow.
- It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
- I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
- Rebel without a Claus.
- You’re my soul Santa.
- What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
- What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
- What do you call an old snowman? Water.
- Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
- What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
- Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
- Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
- What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
- What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
- When I think about you, I touch my elf.
- He is a fungi to be with.
- Eat, drink, and be tacky.
- I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
- You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
- What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
- Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
- What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
- How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
- Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
- What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
- Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
- What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
- Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
- Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
- How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
- What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
- Eat, drink, and be meowy.
- Have a meowy Christmas.
- Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
- May your days be meowy and bright.
- All I want for Xmas is mew.
- Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
- Catty Canes.
- The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
- Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
- I love hanging with you this season.
- Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
- Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
- Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
- I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
- Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
- This year my tree is #ballin.
- Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
- Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
- Looking at you is like reading poetree.
- Birch, please.
- I love the festive season more than you think.
- Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
- I’m having fun fir sure.
- I love you a whole watt.
- What a de-light you are to be around.
- Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.
The most popular 10 Christmas cracker jokes for 2023 - voted
Gold asked British people to post their favorite jokes online. A group of judges picked the best ones, and then 2,000 people voted anonymously. The joke that got the most votes made fun of a recent event where thousands of priceless artefacts were stolen from the famous British Museum in London.
1.Did you hear about the Christmas cake on display in the British Museum?It was Stollen
2.Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward?
He can't stop talking about his X
3.Why isn't Barbie having turkey for Christmas dinner this year?
Chic-Ken is enough
4.Why aren't any schools allowed to put on a nativity this year?
They couldn't find a stable building
Check out more Jokes on Christmas Jokes
5.What impact will the 20mph speed limit in Wales have on the charts this year?
Chris Rea will be driving home for Easter
6.What happened to Mark Zuckerberg's novelty jumper when he had a cage fight with Elon Musk?
He was left with nothing but Threads
7.What's the difference between The Polar Express and HS2?
One's a fantasy about a train and the other's a film with Tom Hanks
8.What did Robert Oppenheimer get Barbie for Christmas?
Atomic Kenergy
9.Why are the train drivers on the naughty list this year?
Because they've already had three strikes!
10.How does Margot Robbie decorate her Nativity scene?
With 3 wise Ken
Anniversary Gift
She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"
He: "A trip to Thailand."
She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.
He: "That's when I come back to get you."
35 New Halloween jokes from 2023
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange or Nec-tarines?
Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!
Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes.
Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend.
Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive.
How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar.
How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula.
What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich.
Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift.
Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of older Halloween jokes
Why do witches wear name tags?
To tell which witch is which.
How do skeletons start their cars?
With skeleton keys.
What did one casket say to the sick casket?
Is that you coughin'?
What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin?
Why don't ghosts take showers?
They only like boo-ble baths.
Why did Dracula go to art school?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What did the corpse's mom do when she got mad at him?
She grounded him.
What kind of ship does Dracula have?
A blood vessel.
What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.
Why didn't the mom let the little witch go trick or treating with her friends?
She was ex-spelled from school.
What kind of dessert does a monster like?
I-scream!
Why don't monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
They eat fingers separately.
When do zombies finish trick or treating?
When they are dead tired.
Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
Mali-boo.
Who does a mummy take on a date?
Any girl he can dig up.
What does a zombie wear to make their eyes pop?
Ma-scare-a!
He only had one pupil!
What kind of car does Frankenstein drive on Halloween night?
A monster truck.
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.
Why wouldn’t Dracula’s kids laugh at his jokes?
Because they all sucked.
Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.
Memorial Day jokes for 2024
Observed on the last Monday in May every year, Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States that honors and remembers those who have died while serving in the military.
Enjoy these light-hearted jokes to add some fun to your Memorial Day!
Why did the soldier bring a ladder to the barbecue?
He wanted to raise the steaks!
What do army guys say when they forget Memorial Day?
Ah, shoot!
What is your favorite Memorial Day tradition?
Spilling BBQ sauce on white pants.
Which day do Alzheimer's patients forget?
Memorial Day.
A small boy was staring at the names on a wall.
The pastor explained,
"They are those who died in the service."
The boy asked,
"The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"
What's a cow's favorite Memorial Day activity?
Going to the moo-vies!
Why are there no knock-knock jokes on Memorial Day?
Because freedom rings!
Did you hear about the man who got his car's AC fixed after Memorial Day?
He came back singing "Freon isn't Free."
Why don't soldiers play hide and seek on Memorial Day?
Because good luck hiding when everyone's off duty!
What is the best Memorial Day Sales pitch?
To remember the millions of brave soldiers who died for our country, we're giving you 30% off on all corduroy pants and toaster ovens.
What's the favorite thing about Memorial Day for employees?
Saying to co-workers, "See you next Tuesday."
What do army guys read on Memorial Day?
Magazine.
On Memorial Day, the teacher asked the students, "Do you know why God created wars?"
Someone among students: To teach us, geography?!
How can you offend a close relative of a fallen soldier on Memorial Day?
Wish them "Happy Memorial Day."
Do you know that The Air Force is the most patriotic arm of the US military?
Because they're USAF.
What fruit do soldiers hate?
The Pommegranade.
In the military, how do you refer to children?
Infantry.
62 corny jokes to get you through Monday
- Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
- You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
- Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
- Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
- If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
- How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
- You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
- Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
- I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
- What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
- Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
- What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
- What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
- What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
- What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
- What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
- What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
- Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
- Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
- Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
- Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
- Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
- It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
- Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
- I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
- Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
- My job is secure. No one else needs it.
- It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
- Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
- What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
- Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
- What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
- My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
- I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
- Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
- Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
- Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
- I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
- I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
- What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
- What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
- Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
- Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
- When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
- The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
- The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
- Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
- Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
- Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
- What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
- Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
- What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
- I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
- The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
- Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
- Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
- What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
- I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.
The Announcement of My Death
Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcment of his own death.
He called his friend at once, "Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
Jim replied, "Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?"
They Need Ideas
Frustrated, the teen storms into his sister's bedroom. "Why are adults are always asking us what we want to be when we grow up?"
Without hesitation the sister replies, "It's because they’re looking for ideas.”
Safety and Health at Work Day Jokes
April 28th is World Day for Safety and Health at Work! Find some jokes about it:
Danger is my middle name
but Safety first.
Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?
He felt it was a tripping hazard.
BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...
The drivers.
I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me. I'll never go to that spinning class again.
Some Safet quotes
If you think professional safety officers are expensive,wait until you see what an amateur costs
Follow the safety rules or you will be fired before you hit the ground
“In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.”
You’ll look pretty stupid trying to eat corn on the cob with no teeth
While on a ladder, never step back to admire your work
Ladder safety has it’s ups and downs.
Don’t watch her behind. Keep safety in mind!
Safety’s OK if you got all day.
Our aim is to keep the toilets clean – your aim will help!
When safety is a factor, call in a contractor.
Work Safely and Carry a Big Lunch Box
Be Safe at Work Today; Call In Sick
If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane
Winter is here! Collection of 76 Winter Jokes
1. Why did the snowman hold up his arms?
He was told to freeze.
2. What did the black ice ask the car?
Wanna go for a spin?
3. How do you know when a snowman is scared?
He's sitting in yellow snow.
4. What did the mitten say to the hand?
I've got you covered.
5. Why did the reindeer have a limp?
He took a snowfall.
6. What's the difference between ice and icicle?
Ice has noel.
7. Why is a sled always discouraged?
It's continuously on a downward slide.
8. What do you call a cold thief?
A brrrr-glar.
9. Why was there a puddle in front of the fireplace?
A snowman was trying to warm himself.
10. What is the purpose of bundling up?
Anti-freeze.
11. How does Jack Frost keep warm?
With a thick blanket of snow.
Christmas is almost here, check out Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
12. Why did the snowman leave?
He had a meltdown.
13. What happens when you catch a cold?
You get cabin fever.
14. Where does a snowman store his cash?
In a snowbank.
15. What is the best way to build a snow fort?
I-gloo it together.
16. Why does Frosty's wife look so young?
She uses cold cream on her face.
17. What happens when a mosquito lands on a snowman?
He gets frostbite.
18. Why did the two snowmen part ways?
One was just too flaky.
19. When is an igloo a bad investment?
During global warming.
20. What are little snowmen called?
Chill-dren.
21. What is a snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
22. When does winter begin?
When autumn leaves.
23. How did the snowman get flattened?
Instead of his usual snow shower, he went for an avalanche.
24. Why are polar bears so big?
Because they snack on ice cream and snow cones.
25. How does a snowman lose weight?
He drinks only hot chocolate.
26. What has the best chance of surviving a fall?
Snow.
27. How does Jack Frost stay so thin?
He only eats iceberg lettuce.
28. How does Santa like his cookies?
With lots of ice-ing.
29. What fish do you catch in the winter?
Frozen fish sticks.
30. Why should you invite an ice fisherman to your party?
To help break the ice.
31. What is sure to stop a snowball fight?
A hail storm.
32. How does a snowman travel through town?
On bi-cicle.
33. Who is Frosty's favorite aunt?
Aunt Artica.
34. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose.
35. What do you call a hot-tempered snowman?
A puddle.
36. How did the man feel after being buried under the avalanche?
A bit under the weather.
37. How did the snowman know he was getting sick?
He had the chills.
38. What type of beer is served in Iceland?
Only drafts.
39. How do mountain tops handle the cold?
They put on their snow caps.
40. What's easy to catch and hard to get rid of?
A cold.
41. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow body.
42. When will you see snowmen dance?
At a snowball.
43. What did the snowman's wife put over the baby crib?
A snowmobile.
44. What gift should you never give a snowman?
An electric blanket.
45. How do you know when you have angered a snowman?
You'll get the cold shoulder.
46. What do you call a reindeer without eyes?
I have no eye deer.
47. What did a police officer ask a suspect in the Arctic?
Where were you the night of September to March?
48. What do you call 5 snowshoe hares bouncing backward in the snow?
A receding hare line.
49. Who protects snowmen?
Snow angels.
50. Why should you wear a helmet during a hail storm?
So you don't get knocked out cold.
51. Why are snowmen so well-behaved?
They don't want to end up in the greenhouse.
52. What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.
53. How do snowmen get smarter?
From the winternet.
54. What do the elves eat for lunch in the North Pole?
Cold cuts and chilly.
55. What did one snowflake say to another?
Let's stick together.
56. How can you tell when a snowman is embarrassed?
He begins to slush.
57. What song do you sing to honor a snowman?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
58. What is the elf's favorite time at the workshop?
Snow and tell.
59. How do you defend yourself against a snowman?
With a heat gun.
60. What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole?
A polaroid.
61. Why is it easy to build a blonde snowman?
It's made up of flakes.
62. What do trees say after winter is over?
What a re-leaf!
63. Why do polar bears live by themselves?
They like the ice-olation.
64. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can easily catch a cold.
65. What do you call a penguin in the city?
Lost.
66. What does a snowman take when he's afraid of melting?
A chill pill.
67. What dilemma does a snowman with achy muscles have?
Wondering whether or not IcyHot rub is a good idea.
68. Why do reindeer have fur?
Because snowsuits don't fit them.
69. What are the chances of a white Christmas?
Pretty good. It's Decembrrrrr.
70. What happens when you cross a wizard with a blizzard?
You get a cold spell.
71. Why do ski socks never make plans?
They're afraid they'll get cold feet.
72. How do you stay warm in any room during the winter?
Go into a corner. It's always 90 degrees.
73. How do you get a snowman to disappear?
Give him a warm hug.
74. What happens when you ask Santa for money?
He leaves cold hard cash.
75. Why did the orchestra set up in the snow?
They wanted to play "cool jazz."
76. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Friday Funnies: 11 Jokes to Start Your Weekend Right
Did you know that the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z…How do they sleep at night?
I was surprised to learn I weigh zero milligrams.
I was like 0mg!
I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“
Went to the beach and fed the birds cannabis laced cake. They seemed to like it…
I left no tern unstoned!
A spider asked a human, "Why are you afraid of me?"
Human: "Well, all the reasons I had have been replaced by the fact that you can talk."
Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it one star
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!
Me: "Dad, do you know where I can get a Greek sandwich?"
Dad: "I don't know. Let me look through my gyroscope."
I have a lot of respect for giraffes.
They're an animal you can really look up to.
The boss looks over the gentleman's resume and says "Wow, I'm impressed.
It seems like you've got everything needed for the job.
But there's a 4 year gap in here.
What happened there?"
The gentleman responds
"Oh, that's when I went to Yale."
The boss is now super impressed and hires the man on the spot
. The man immediately calls his wife
. "Hey honey, I got the yob!"
31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…
Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK, he woke up.
My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn’t go into work.
Whoever stole my depression medication —
I hope you’re happy now.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat.
What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.
How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.
Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.
Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It’s the wurst.
What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated.
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.
I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice.
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”
What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.
Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.
It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
