Popular jokes (31 to 45)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon
I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard
What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.
What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles
What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz
What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.
What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”
Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.
What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.
A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
True Love
Boyfriend: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Robert. I don't have a mansion like Gary. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you."
Girlfriend: "Oh dear, I love you too... what was that you said about Martin?"
Axe jokes - to celebrate International Ax-Throwing Day
June the 13th is International Ax-Throwing Day! Check out some Axe jokes!
Why did the tree go to the barber?
Because it needed a trim and ax.
Why did the lumberjack break up with his girlfriend?
She had too many axes.
Why did the lumberjack become a musician?
He had a knack for chopping the charts, not just logs.
Why was the lumberjack at the computer?
He wanted to log in.
What does a tree say to an axe?
I'm falling for you.
Why did the axe go to school?
To become a little sharper.
How does an axe win a debate?
With cutting remarks.
Why did the axe go to the doctor?
It had a splitting head.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet?
An axe-ident.
What did the woodcutter say to the tree?
May I axe you something?
Do you hear about the lumberjack who lost his job today?
His manager just gave him the axe.
Why was the spreadsheet afraid of the chart?
Because it had multiple axes.
How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant?
He always misses her.
What do you call it when you break your pick axe while working?
A miner inconvenience.
What's the difference between being a lumberjack and any other job?
You get the axe when you’re hired not fired.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the Chopping Maul.
I was really disappointed when the axe I bought to climb trees with ended up being useless.
It was a total anti-climb axe.
7 Short Jokes for Your Weekend Chuckle Fest
After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains. A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You can't do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"
What has 2 buts and kills people?
An assassin
Why did the vegan cross the road?
Ti tell someone they're a vegan!
I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."
I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!
I made a pencil with an eraser on each end.
It was pointless.
I was out drinking with my mates at a party last night, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.
Is she insecure or what?
That's an average of 6 calls a day!
What do you call it when you get a rash from nickel?
Metallurgy
Image credit Pointless pencils
7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach
What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.
What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!
Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.
I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.
Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.
Six Side-Splitting Jokes: From Balloon Blunders to Comma Catastrophes
My wife and her sister fell out on a holiday trip…
The rest of the balloon flight was, however, peaceful!
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to n*dist party
I said, "I was born ready"
A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference For instance,
“Let’s eat, Frank.”
has a completely different meaning from
“Frank is in a coma.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
But I will recover
My best friend loves Batman. So I said to him after our 6th beer: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Him (rolling his eyes): “Go on, then.”
So I growl: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Him: “That’s Superman.”
Me: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
1.7% of Americans over the age of 30 are married to their 3rd cousin. Not sure why they didn't figure it out after they married their first two cousins.
31 of the funniest jokes and best one-liners from comedians
Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”
11. “Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
12. “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”
Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”
2. “My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!”
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”
6. “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”
Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.”
Miscellaneous Authors:
1. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast." - Demetri Martin
2. "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." - Tom Ward
3. "My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." - Sarah Millican
4. "Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
5. "Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey
6. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any." - Tommy Cooper
7. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen
8. "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
9. "Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.’" - Harry Hill
Labor Distraction
When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.
7 short jokes for a good Tuesday
I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.
I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said: "you’re fired."
My wife and I were walking through the park today and we passed a large groups of nuns.
I said wow what an opportunity for a joke, but I’ve got none.
Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."
A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied.
"You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"
A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"
"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!
Safety and Health at Work Day Jokes
April 28th is World Day for Safety and Health at Work! Find some jokes about it:
Danger is my middle name
but Safety first.
Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?
He felt it was a tripping hazard.
BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...
The drivers.
I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me. I'll never go to that spinning class again.
Some Safet quotes
If you think professional safety officers are expensive,wait until you see what an amateur costs
Follow the safety rules or you will be fired before you hit the ground
“In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.”
You’ll look pretty stupid trying to eat corn on the cob with no teeth
While on a ladder, never step back to admire your work
Ladder safety has it’s ups and downs.
Don’t watch her behind. Keep safety in mind!
Safety’s OK if you got all day.
Our aim is to keep the toilets clean – your aim will help!
When safety is a factor, call in a contractor.
Work Safely and Carry a Big Lunch Box
Be Safe at Work Today; Call In Sick
If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane
Perks of being over 55
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Coffee Jokes - to celebrate International Coffee Day
International Coffee Day takes place on October 1, an occasion to celebrate coffee as a beverage and have fun with Coffee Jokes
I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.
Not made by me.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!
What do you call sad coffee?
A depresso.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.
What did the coffee say to its date?
"Hey there, hot stuff!"
What's the best Beatles song about coffee?
"Latte Be."
Why did the barista get fired?
They kept showing up latte.
What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.
Check out some older Coffee Jokes on page 25 jokes that blend well with coffee
Why do coffee shops have bad Wi-Fi?
Because they want you to espresso yourself instead.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
"I don't have a problem; I have a solution."
How is divorce like an espresso?
It's expensive and bitter.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.
What do you call it when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.
How are coffee beans like teenagers?
They're always getting grounded.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do programmers prefer dark coffee?
Because light attracts bugs.
What do you call it when coffee hurts you?
A brew-tality.
What do you call a newborn coffee bean?
A little squirt!
How does coffee relax after a long day?
It unwinds by brewing itself.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do coffee beans always show up early?
Because they get roasted!
Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
He was pressed for time.
What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
How do programmers prefer their coffee?
They like it in Java.
Why do coffee lovers prefer dark roast?
Because light roast keeps them up at night.
What happens when you steal someone’s coffee?
It causes a mug shot!
Why was the coffee shop so quiet?
Because everyone was staying grounded.
I used to be a barista,
but I got fired for being too grounded.
What do you call a sleepy coffee bean?
A drowsy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that can't sleep?
Caffeinated.
What do you call a coffee bean that's always late?
A tardy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really small?
A tiny bean./p>
What do you call a coffee bean that's really strong?
A robust bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really weak?
A feeble bean.
The Post Turtle
While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,
What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what prick put him there in the first place."
