Popular jokes (46 to 60)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Perks of being over 55
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
37 Christmas jokes
Why is the Grinch such a good gardener?
He has a green thumb.
What type of key do you need to put on a Nativity play?
A don-key.
Who is the only one to not eat at Christmas dinner?
The turkey, it’s always stuffed!
Why was the advent calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered!
What’s the best present to receive?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.
What’s a dog’s favorite Christmas song?
Bark, the Herald Angels Sing.
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.
How can you tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents.
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nick-less.
Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Beyon-sleigh.
What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
Santa-tizer.
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.
Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy?
He had low “elf” esteem.
What do Santa’s helpers learn in school?
The elf-abet.
What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account?
Lots of elf-ies.
Who is the best singer in the North Pole?
Elf-is Presley.
What did the elf on the shelf dress up as for Halloween?
Prankenstein.
Why didn’t Rudolph make honor roll in school this term?
Because he went down in history.
Which reindeer does Santa always have to discipline?
Rude-olph.
What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?
This one will sleigh you!
What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
How did the snowman get to work?
By icicle!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What do snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What do grapes sing at Christmas?
‘Tis the season to be jelly.
Why shouldn’t you prank the eggnog?
It can’t take a yolk.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They’re not tall enough to be pilots!
What do you call an art museum made out of ice?
The Ig-Louvre.
What’s as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather?
Its shadow.
Hump Day Humor: Fresh Jokes to Get You Over the Week
Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
But other times I let her sleep in!
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
Broco Lee.
I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!
When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.
The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"
The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."
I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."
Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
We changed it in the 9th century.
You mean you changed it TO 'Latrine?'
Yeah. Used to be 'Shithouse.'
Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes
I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.
My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation.
I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down!
I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild.
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?
I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
7 new jokes for a good start of the week
I made a lamb curry last night…
Apparently they prefer grass!
Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted.
I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can’t see myself wearing it!
My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer!
Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor.
I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.
I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.
Cockney parrot
A guy walks into a pet shop looking for a pet, as he glanced into the back room he sees a beautiful parrot all alone in a cage so he said to the pet shop owner "is that parrot for sale?"
"Not really said the shop owner you see I’ve sold him twice before but he always gets brought back because he is so big headed".
The guy said "no problem I like a challenge so I’ll take him".
When he get home with the parrot he takes the cover off the cage and immediately the parrot says "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", he keeps repeating it all afternoon.
So, the guy thinks i'll cure him and he goes back to the pet shop and buys a kestrel, takes it home and the parrot immediately says
"I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", so the guy pops the kestrel in the cage and nothing happens.
Next morning when he goes downstairs the Kestrel is dead at the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot.
"Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k".
Right said the guy I will cure you this time so he gets a Peregrine from the pet shop and again pops it in the cage with the parrot thinking this will sort him out!
Still nothing happens.
Next morning when he comes downstairs the Peregrine is dead on the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot.
"Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k".
The guy is really annoyed now so again visits the pet shop and gets a Golden Eagle thinking there is no way the parrot is going to do this bird. Again he pops the Eagle into the cage with the parrot and again nothing happens.
Next morning when he comes downstairs he sees the Eagle dead at the bottom of the cage and the parrot without a single feather on his body.
"What happened here", said the guy?
"I had to take my coat off for that b@st@rd".
Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes
Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.
Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.
How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle
What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.
What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!
How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."
What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.
What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.
What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.
Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.
How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!
What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.
What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.
I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope
Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws
It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.
Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.
Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.
Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023
What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?"
How did you find grandma’s turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!"
What’s the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.
Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight.
Find New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023, fresh and corny.
When do you serve rubber turkey?Pranksgiving!
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he's already stuffed!
What do you call an attractive pilgrim?
A puri-ten!
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach?
Puri-tan.
Our collection Thanksgiving jokes has jokes collected for many years.
Why didn't the pilgrim want to make the bread?It's a crummy job.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?
Pil-grimace.
Why did the turkey stand on stilts?
Because nobody eat flamingoes for Thanksgiving dinner.
What did the turkey say to his real estate agent?
Turn-key only.
I tried a new pie recipe.
Wow, you're a real pie-oneer.
You know you overdid it on Thanksgiving...
when you cut yourself shaving and you bleed gravy!
Not enough Thanksgiving jokes? These jokes were new not so long ago 26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes that were new on 2020!
One more set of Thanksgiving jokes - new from 2023
Why is Thanksgiving a great holiday for gossip?Because the best part are the side dishes.
Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language.
If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships.
Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins.
Check more of New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023.
How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie??
3.14.
What are turkeys most thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Vegans.
What do Thanksgiving turkeys become after they die?
Poultrygeists.
What's Inside a Genie's Turkey?
Wishbones.
What did pilgrims use to make cookies?
May Flour!
Check out our collection of new (and old) Thanksgiving jokes.
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn't get the moose in the oven!
Why are Thanksgiving bread jokes always funny?
Because they never get mold.
What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace?
“Grace.”
What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham?
Nice to meat you.
Why don’t side dishes tell jokes?
They’re too corny.
What do you call a sad cranberry?
A blueberry.
What’s the best way to keep a turkey in suspense?
You’ll find out at Thanksgiving dinner!
What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.
Need more Thanksgiving jokes? There some Thanksgiving jokes that were new not so long ago Thanksgiving jokes that were new recently
Piercing Jokes
June 28th is International Body Piercing Day! Find joke about it!
A man walked into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
Because he had so many piercings in his face he could hardly see where he was going!
How did the blind woman pierce her ear?
Answering the stapler.
How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
What do you call an actor that can put a hole in anything?
Pierce Brosnan.
How much do pirates charge to pierce someone's ears?
A buck an ear.
Why do blondes pierce their Belly Button?
Somewhere to hang the air freshener.
#internationalbodypiercingday #piercingday
The Preacher and the Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Great Presidents
George Washington was such a great president.
He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration.
One Minute Birthday
Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.
