Popular jokes (46 to 60)

Coffee Jokes - to celebrate International Coffee Day

International Coffee Day takes place on October 1, an occasion to celebrate coffee as a beverage and have fun with Coffee Jokes

I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.
Not made by me.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!

What do you call sad coffee?
A depresso.

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.

What did the coffee say to its date?
"Hey there, hot stuff!"

What's the best Beatles song about coffee?
"Latte Be."

Why did the barista get fired?
They kept showing up latte.

What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.

Check out some older Coffee Jokes on page 25 jokes that blend well with coffee

Why do coffee shops have bad Wi-Fi?
Because they want you to espresso yourself instead.

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
"I don't have a problem; I have a solution."

How is divorce like an espresso?
It's expensive and bitter.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.

Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.

What do you call it when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.

How are coffee beans like teenagers?
They're always getting grounded.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

Why do programmers prefer dark coffee?
Because light attracts bugs.

What do you call it when coffee hurts you?
A brew-tality.

What do you call a newborn coffee bean?
A little squirt!

How does coffee relax after a long day?
It unwinds by brewing itself.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

Why do coffee beans always show up early?
Because they get roasted!

Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
He was pressed for time.

What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.

How do programmers prefer their coffee?
They like it in Java.

Why do coffee lovers prefer dark roast?
Because light roast keeps them up at night.

What happens when you steal someone’s coffee?
It causes a mug shot!

Why was the coffee shop so quiet?
Because everyone was staying grounded.

I used to be a barista,
but I got fired for being too grounded.

What do you call a sleepy coffee bean?
A drowsy bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that can't sleep?
Caffeinated.

What do you call a coffee bean that's always late?
A tardy bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that's really small?
A tiny bean./p>

What do you call a coffee bean that's really strong?
A robust bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that's really weak?
A feeble bean.

Funny translator jokes - International Translation Day

How many translators does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on the context.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.

A teacher asked a particularly dull, lazy, and objectionable pupil if he was ignorant or apathetic.
The pupil replied: “I don’t know, and I don’t care!”

Two translators on a ship are talking.
“Can you swim?”, asks one.
“No”, says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages”.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English”, he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative”. A voice from the back of the room retorted, “Yeah, right”.

Translator gets 400 words to translate.
Client: How long will it take?
Translator: About a week.
Client: A whole week for just 400 words? God created the world in 6 days.
Translator: Then just take a look at this world, and afterwards, take a look at my translation.

“I’ve just had the most awful time”, said a boy to his friends. “First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy”.“Wow! How did you pull through?”, sympathised his friends.“I don’t know”, the boy replied, “toughest spelling test I ever had”.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus!

Geography teacher: Can you guess my favourite nation?
Student: Yes, I can. Explanation.

What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”, because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

The Post Turtle

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,
What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what prick put him there in the first place."

Cockney parrot

A guy walks into a pet shop looking for a pet, as he glanced into the back room he sees a beautiful parrot all alone in a cage so he said to the pet shop owner "is that parrot for sale?"
"Not really said the shop owner you see I’ve sold him twice before but he always gets brought back because he is so big headed".
The guy said "no problem I like a challenge so I’ll take him".

When he get home with the parrot he takes the cover off the cage and immediately the parrot says "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", he keeps repeating it all afternoon.
So, the guy thinks i'll cure him and he goes back to the pet shop and buys a kestrel, takes it home and the parrot immediately says
"I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", so the guy pops the kestrel in the cage and nothing happens.
Next morning when he goes downstairs the Kestrel is dead at the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot.
"Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k".

Right said the guy I will cure you this time so he gets a Peregrine from the pet shop and again pops it in the cage with the parrot thinking this will sort him out!
Still nothing happens.
Next morning when he comes downstairs the Peregrine is dead on the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot.
"Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k".

The guy is really annoyed now so again visits the pet shop and gets a Golden Eagle thinking there is no way the parrot is going to do this bird. Again he pops the Eagle into the cage with the parrot and again nothing happens.
Next morning when he comes downstairs he sees the Eagle dead at the bottom of the cage and the parrot without a single feather on his body.
"What happened here", said the guy?
"I had to take my coat off for that b@st@rd".

Beer contains and female hormones

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

Both Sides Of The Law

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

Ineffective Pain Pills

"Evidently, my pain pills are not working."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you're still here."

Falafel jokes - to celebrate International Falafel Day

June 12 is International Falafel Day. Celebrate it with Falafel Jokes

Whenever I see the word 'falafel,' I think 'feel awful.'
It's a serious problem... and I falafel about it.

I ate a bad vegetarian kebab for lunch.
Now I falafel.

A man was found dead in a vat of falafel dressing.
Police are treating it as a hummuscide.

Did you hear about the Grecian who ate a radioactive falafel?
He became a super-gyro.

Why did Allah give falafel and hummus to the Middle East?
They prayed for more gas.

Why did the falafel go to therapy?
It needed to sort out its chickpea issues.

Why did the falafel break up with the pita bread?
It just couldn't handle the "wrapping" pressure.

What did the falafel say to the indecisive tahini?
"Make up your mind, you're too saucey for me."

Wet pussy

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

Chuck Norris can actually brea...

Chuck Norris can actually breath fire.

The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Winter is here! Collection of 76 Winter Jokes

1. Why did the snowman hold up his arms?
He was told to freeze.

2. What did the black ice ask the car?
Wanna go for a spin?

3. How do you know when a snowman is scared?
He's sitting in yellow snow.

4. What did the mitten say to the hand?
I've got you covered.

5. Why did the reindeer have a limp?
He took a snowfall.

6. What's the difference between ice and icicle?
Ice has noel.

7. Why is a sled always discouraged?
It's continuously on a downward slide.

8. What do you call a cold thief?
A brrrr-glar.

9. Why was there a puddle in front of the fireplace?
A snowman was trying to warm himself.

10. What is the purpose of bundling up?
Anti-freeze.

11. How does Jack Frost keep warm?
With a thick blanket of snow.

Christmas is almost here, check out Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

12. Why did the snowman leave?
He had a meltdown.

13. What happens when you catch a cold?
You get cabin fever.

14. Where does a snowman store his cash?
In a snowbank.

15. What is the best way to build a snow fort?
I-gloo it together.

16. Why does Frosty's wife look so young?
She uses cold cream on her face.

17. What happens when a mosquito lands on a snowman?
He gets frostbite.

18. Why did the two snowmen part ways?
One was just too flaky.

19. When is an igloo a bad investment?
During global warming.

20. What are little snowmen called?
Chill-dren.

21. What is a snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

22. When does winter begin?
When autumn leaves.

23. How did the snowman get flattened?
Instead of his usual snow shower, he went for an avalanche.

24. Why are polar bears so big?
Because they snack on ice cream and snow cones.

25. How does a snowman lose weight?
He drinks only hot chocolate.

26. What has the best chance of surviving a fall?
Snow.

27. How does Jack Frost stay so thin?
He only eats iceberg lettuce.

28. How does Santa like his cookies?
With lots of ice-ing.

29. What fish do you catch in the winter?
Frozen fish sticks.

30. Why should you invite an ice fisherman to your party?
To help break the ice.

31. What is sure to stop a snowball fight?
A hail storm.

32. How does a snowman travel through town?
On bi-cicle.

33. Who is Frosty's favorite aunt?
Aunt Artica.

34. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose.

35. What do you call a hot-tempered snowman?
A puddle.

36. How did the man feel after being buried under the avalanche?
A bit under the weather.

37. How did the snowman know he was getting sick?
He had the chills.

38. What type of beer is served in Iceland?
Only drafts.

39. How do mountain tops handle the cold?
They put on their snow caps.

40. What's easy to catch and hard to get rid of?
A cold.

41. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow body.

42. When will you see snowmen dance?
At a snowball.

43. What did the snowman's wife put over the baby crib?
A snowmobile.

44. What gift should you never give a snowman?
An electric blanket.

45. How do you know when you have angered a snowman?
You'll get the cold shoulder.

46. What do you call a reindeer without eyes?
I have no eye deer.

47. What did a police officer ask a suspect in the Arctic?
Where were you the night of September to March?

48. What do you call 5 snowshoe hares bouncing backward in the snow?
A receding hare line.

49. Who protects snowmen?
Snow angels.

50. Why should you wear a helmet during a hail storm?
So you don't get knocked out cold.

51. Why are snowmen so well-behaved?
They don't want to end up in the greenhouse.

52. What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.

53. How do snowmen get smarter?
From the winternet.

54. What do the elves eat for lunch in the North Pole?
Cold cuts and chilly.

55. What did one snowflake say to another?
Let's stick together.

56. How can you tell when a snowman is embarrassed?
He begins to slush.

57. What song do you sing to honor a snowman?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

58. What is the elf's favorite time at the workshop?
Snow and tell.

59. How do you defend yourself against a snowman?
With a heat gun.

60. What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole?
A polaroid.

61. Why is it easy to build a blonde snowman?
It's made up of flakes.

62. What do trees say after winter is over?
What a re-leaf!

63. Why do polar bears live by themselves?
They like the ice-olation.

64. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can easily catch a cold.

65. What do you call a penguin in the city?
Lost.

66. What does a snowman take when he's afraid of melting?
A chill pill.

67. What dilemma does a snowman with achy muscles have?
Wondering whether or not IcyHot rub is a good idea.

68. Why do reindeer have fur?
Because snowsuits don't fit them.

69. What are the chances of a white Christmas?
Pretty good. It's Decembrrrrr.

70. What happens when you cross a wizard with a blizzard?
You get a cold spell.

71. Why do ski socks never make plans?
They're afraid they'll get cold feet.

72. How do you stay warm in any room during the winter?
Go into a corner. It's always 90 degrees.

73. How do you get a snowman to disappear?
Give him a warm hug.

74. What happens when you ask Santa for money?
He leaves cold hard cash.

75. Why did the orchestra set up in the snow?
They wanted to play "cool jazz."

76. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!

62 corny jokes to get you through Monday

• Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
• You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
• Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
• Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
• If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
• How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
• You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
• Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
• I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
• What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
• I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
• Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
• What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
• What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
• What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
• What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
• What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
• What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
• Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
• Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
• Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
• Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
• Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
• It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
• Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
• I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
• Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
• My job is secure. No one else needs it.
• It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
• Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
• What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
• Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
• What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
• My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
• I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
• Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
• Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
• Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
• I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
• I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
• What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
• What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
• Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
• Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
• When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
• The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
• The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
• Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
• Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
• Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
• What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
• Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
• What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
• I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
• The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
• Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
• Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
• What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
• I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.

His True Love

"Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…"
"Sir, I’m sorry, this is a brewery!"
"Oh, I know…"

Tapas Jokes, to celebrate World Tapas Day

World Tapas Day, observed annually on the third Thursday of June, is an international holiday celebrating the small Spanish Tapa dish that is usually served with drinks. Check out Tapas Jokes

What did the dyslexic man order at the Italian restaurant? Tapas.

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century? It's a bayou tapas-tree.

How do we know that the Normans ate small portions of Spanish food? Because of the Bayeux Tapas Tray!

What did the Spanish keyboard say? Tapas .

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer and two plates of tapas.
Another man walked into the bar and ordered 10 beers and 20 plates of tapas.
The barman said, "That's an order of magnitude!"

I got the roast duck at a fancy tapas place downtown...
Boy, the duck might have been small but its bill sure was big.

Girlfriend took me out for tapas today.
I kept repeating 'this is a great way tapas the time'
The look of annoyance on her face was growing.
So I told her if it's annoying just tell me tapas off.