Popular jokes (61 to 75)

Hump Day Humor: Fresh Jokes to Get You Over the Week

Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
But other times I let her sleep in!

What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.

I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar.

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
Broco Lee.

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!

When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.
The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"
The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."
I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."

Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
We changed it in the 9th century.
You mean you changed it TO 'Latrine?'
Yeah. Used to be 'Shithouse.'

Worth A Try

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks.
If you are diving and are approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.
If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump.

18 Lion Jokes, to Celebrate World Lion Day

Roaring with Laughter: 18 Lion Jokes to Celebrate World Lion Day on August 10th and Raise Awareness for Their Conservation

What's the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A lion won't golf.
But a Tiger wood.

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator.

Why don’t lions like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!

How does a lion stop a video?
He presses paws.

How does a lion greet the antelope it meets on the savannah?
“Pleased to eat you!”

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal!

What happened to the lion who ate the comedian?
He felt funny!

Why don’t lions play cards in the wild?
Because of all the cheetahs!

What do you call a slow and clumsy lion?
A snailion.

What do you call a lion powered by a battery?
A Li-on.

What does a lion call his barber?
His mane man.

What do you call a lion that has eaten your mother’s sister?
An aunt-eater!

What do you call a lion at the North Pole?
Lost.

What does the lion say to his family before they eat a meal?
“Let us prey.

” Why was the lion always invited to the party?
Because he was a real mane attraction! What do you call a lion that doesn't lie?
A not-lion.

What do Christian lions say before they go hunting?
Pray for your supper.

What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman?
A cold snap.

What lion will never roar?
A dandelion...

Lottery Winnings

I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75!

Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes

Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.

Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.

How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle

What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.

What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!

How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."

What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.

What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)

What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.

Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.

What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.

Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.

How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!

What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.

I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope

Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws

It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.

Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.

Near-sex Experience

I just had a near-sex experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.

Beer contains and female hormones

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023

What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?"

How did you find grandma’s turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.

What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!"

What’s the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.

Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight.

Find New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023, fresh and corny.

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he's already stuffed!

What do you call an attractive pilgrim?
A puri-ten!

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach?
Puri-tan.

Our collection Thanksgiving jokes has jokes collected for many years.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?
Pil-grimace.

Why did the turkey stand on stilts?
Because nobody eat flamingoes for Thanksgiving dinner.

What did the turkey say to his real estate agent?
Turn-key only.

I tried a new pie recipe.
Wow, you're a real pie-oneer.

You know you overdid it on Thanksgiving...
when you cut yourself shaving and you bleed gravy!

Not enough Thanksgiving jokes? These jokes were new not so long ago 26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes that were new on 2020!

New Skunk Band

Did you hear about the skunks that started a boy band?
They are calling themselves "The Back Streak Boys"!

7 new jokes for a good start of the week

I made a lamb curry last night…
Apparently they prefer grass!

Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted.

I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can’t see myself wearing it!

My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer!

Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor.

I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.

I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.

Elderly Honeymooners

Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?
They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

The Spoon

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".
The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

Wet pussy

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

One more set of Thanksgiving jokes - new from 2023

Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language.

If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships.

Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins.

Check more of New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023.

How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie??
3.14.

What are turkeys most thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Vegans.

What do Thanksgiving turkeys become after they die?
Poultrygeists.

What's Inside a Genie's Turkey?
Wishbones.

What did pilgrims use to make cookies?
May Flour!

Check out our collection of new (and old) Thanksgiving jokes.

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn't get the moose in the oven!

Why are Thanksgiving bread jokes always funny?
Because they never get mold.

What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace?
“Grace.”

What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham?
Nice to meat you.

Why don’t side dishes tell jokes?
They’re too corny.

What do you call a sad cranberry?
A blueberry.

What’s the best way to keep a turkey in suspense?
You’ll find out at Thanksgiving dinner!

What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.

Need more Thanksgiving jokes? There some Thanksgiving jokes that were new not so long ago Thanksgiving jokes that were new recently

The september 5 ...

The September 5 is National Be Late for Something Day! This holiday aims to promote the more positive aspects of procrastination. Find some jokes to celebrate it!

Late for date joke

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pyjamas and slippers, fixed herself snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"

Late for Work joke

Mark had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, Mr Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Mr Johnson," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said his boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"

Few short "late" jokes

TEACHER: Young man, you've been late for school five days this week. Does that make you happy?
PUPIL: Sure does. That means it's Friday.

Why did the belt go to jail?
It was holding up a pair of pants and made them late!

What do you call a person who's always late to the bank?
Slow interest.

What did Yoda say during his toilet break while being late for a meeting?
Time for this shit, I do not have.

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?
It was just a matter of time.