Popular jokes (61 to 75)

15 Funny Space Jokes

Why didn't the sun go to university?
Because it already has a million degrees.

How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.

Why weren't the astronauts hungry when they arrived in space?
Because they had a big launch.

My kid is really obsessed with the moon.
I'm hoping it's just a phase.

Why doesn't Saturn ever go to the jewellery store?
Because it already has enough rings!

Why did the sun go to school?
To get a little brighter!

Why couldn't the astronaut book a hotel on the moon?
Because it was full!

Birthday parties in space are the worst. Why?
Because they have no atmosphere.

Did you hear Einstein came up with a theory about space?
Well, it's about time!

What did Mars say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime.

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
Rocket.

What did the astronaut say when he crashed into the moon?
I Apollo-gize.

What kind of money is used for trading in outer space?
Starbucks.

Why did the star get arrested?
Because it was a shooting star!

Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.

Hospitalized Painter

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
His doctor says it was due to too many strokes.

35 New Halloween jokes from 2023

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange or Nec-tarines?

Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!

Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes.

Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend.

Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive.

How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar.

How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula.

What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich.

Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift.

Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of older Halloween jokes

Why do witches wear name tags?
To tell which witch is which.

How do skeletons start their cars?
With skeleton keys.

What did one casket say to the sick casket?
Is that you coughin'?

What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin?

Why don't ghosts take showers?
They only like boo-ble baths.

Why did Dracula go to art school?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.

How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.

What did the corpse's mom do when she got mad at him?
She grounded him.

What kind of ship does Dracula have?
A blood vessel.

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

Why didn't the mom let the little witch go trick or treating with her friends?
She was ex-spelled from school.

What kind of dessert does a monster like?
I-scream!

Why don't monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
They eat fingers separately.

When do zombies finish trick or treating?
When they are dead tired.

Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
Mali-boo.

Who does a mummy take on a date?
Any girl he can dig up.

What does a zombie wear to make their eyes pop?
Ma-scare-a!

What kind of car does Frankenstein drive on Halloween night?
A monster truck.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

Why wouldn’t Dracula’s kids laugh at his jokes?
Because they all sucked.

Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

Actuary vs. Mafia

What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year.
A mafia actuary can name them.

Wrong Hole

An employee at a business firm gets to travel to Japan to meet executives from the company's foreign branch. He's single and is really excited to hook up with some beautiful Asians. He goes to the meeting and listens to a linguist who translates all their words for him.

After the meeting he goes out and hooks up with a lovely young lady. Things go very well and he ends up going to her place that night.

They dim the lights and do the deed. The whole time she's moaning and shouting: "Fuka ana!" She seems really into it so he goes all out giving it to her all night long.

The next day he goes to a golf game with the Japanese executives. He makes a very nice chip shot then decides he's going to try to impress the executives. He shouts: "Fuka ana!"

The linguist then turns to him and says: "No that's the right hole."

The most popular 10 Christmas cracker jokes for 2023 - voted

Gold asked British people to post their favorite jokes online. A group of judges picked the best ones, and then 2,000 people voted anonymously. The joke that got the most votes made fun of a recent event where thousands of priceless artefacts were stolen from the famous British Museum in London.

2.Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward?
He can't stop talking about his X

3.Why isn't Barbie having turkey for Christmas dinner this year?
Chic-Ken is enough

4.Why aren't any schools allowed to put on a nativity this year?
They couldn't find a stable building

Check out more Jokes on Christmas Jokes

5.What impact will the 20mph speed limit in Wales have on the charts this year?
Chris Rea will be driving home for Easter

6.What happened to Mark Zuckerberg's novelty jumper when he had a cage fight with Elon Musk?
He was left with nothing but Threads

7.What's the difference between The Polar Express and HS2?
One's a fantasy about a train and the other's a film with Tom Hanks

8.What did Robert Oppenheimer get Barbie for Christmas?
Atomic Kenergy

9.Why are the train drivers on the naughty list this year?
Because they've already had three strikes!

10.How does Margot Robbie decorate her Nativity scene?
With 3 wise Ken

Sinking boat

The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."

The rabbi said, "fuck the children."

The priest said, "Do we have time?"

Friday Funnies: 11 Jokes to Start Your Weekend Right

I was surprised to learn I weigh zero milligrams.
I was like 0mg!

I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“

Went to the beach and fed the birds cannabis laced cake. They seemed to like it…
I left no tern unstoned!

A spider asked a human, "Why are you afraid of me?"
Human: "Well, all the reasons I had have been replaced by the fact that you can talk."

Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!

If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it one star

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!

Me: "Dad, do you know where I can get a Greek sandwich?"
Dad: "I don't know. Let me look through my gyroscope."

I have a lot of respect for giraffes.
They're an animal you can really look up to.

The boss looks over the gentleman's resume and says "Wow, I'm impressed.
It seems like you've got everything needed for the job.
But there's a 4 year gap in here.
What happened there?"
The gentleman responds
"Oh, that's when I went to Yale."
The boss is now super impressed and hires the man on the spot
. The man immediately calls his wife
. "Hey honey, I got the yob!"

The september 5 ...

The September 5 is National Be Late for Something Day! This holiday aims to promote the more positive aspects of procrastination. Find some jokes to celebrate it!

Late for date joke

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pyjamas and slippers, fixed herself snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"

Late for Work joke

Mark had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, Mr Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Mr Johnson," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said his boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"

Few short "late" jokes

TEACHER: Young man, you've been late for school five days this week. Does that make you happy?
PUPIL: Sure does. That means it's Friday.

Why did the belt go to jail?
It was holding up a pair of pants and made them late!

What do you call a person who's always late to the bank?
Slow interest.

What did Yoda say during his toilet break while being late for a meeting?
Time for this shit, I do not have.

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?
It was just a matter of time.

Quitting job, and few more jokes

I have decided to quit my job as a personal trainer, because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don't have high blood pressure.

My wife yelled, "are you even listening to me?"
I thought that was a weird way to start an argument.

Hump Day Humor: Fresh Jokes to Get You Over the Week

Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
But other times I let her sleep in!

What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.

I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar.

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
Broco Lee.

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!

When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.
The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"
The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."
I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."

Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
We changed it in the 9th century.
You mean you changed it TO 'Latrine?'
Yeah. Used to be 'Shithouse.'

31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…

Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK, he woke up.

My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn’t go into work.

Whoever stole my depression medication —
I hope you’re happy now.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat.

What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.

How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.

Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It’s the wurst.

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated.

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.

I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.

I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice.

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”

What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.

Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.

It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

Anniversary Gift

She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"

He: "A trip to Thailand."

She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.

He: "That's when I come back to get you."

The Spoon

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".
The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

25 Sushi jokes to celebrate International Sushi Day

June 18th is International Sushi Day! Have Sushi and some jokes!

My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food.
Sushi left me.

Q: What is my preferred type of sushi?
A: Payroll.

Q: What did the sushi say to the bee?
A: Wasabi!

Q: What pan is the best to make sushi in?
A: Japan.

Q: How do sushi rolls apologize?
A: They “soy-rry.”

Q: Why don’t Wookies like sushi?
A: They think it’s a little Chewie.

Q: What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
A: Sushi roll.

Q: What did the sushi say to the sushi chef?
A: “I’m on a roll!”

Q: HoW does Lady Gaga like her sushi?
A: Ra-ra-raw-raw Ra-ra-raw-raw.

Q: How do sushi rolls stay calm under pressure?
A: They practice “maki-ng” wise decisions.

Q: What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A: A Rolls Rice.

Q: Why didn’t the sushi chef want to talk about the restaurant accident?
A: Because it was still very raw.

Q: What’s a soldier’s favorite type of sushi?
A: A combat roll.

Q: Why was the sushi detained?
A: He seemed fishy.

Q: When asked why he enjoys being in a sushi roll, what did the fish respond?
A: “It makes Miso happy,” he remarked.

Q: What did the one sushi roll say to the other during a friendly dinner?
A: “We’re ‘soy’ good together!”

Q: Why did the sushi go to the beach?
A: Because it wanted to become a California roll!

Q: When does the sushi chef spread Nutella on top of the salmon roll?
A: When customers request salmonella!

Q: Why did the sushi roll down the hill?
A: Because it couldn’t roll up.

Q: Why do lions love sushi?
A: Because it's roar!

Q: What do you call sushi that’s on sale?
A: A raW deal.

I asked my mum to buy me some raw fish for tea...
Sushi did!

Sushi addicts never argue,
they just roll with it.

Q: What do you call sushi with a tie?
A: So-fish-ticated

Q: What did the sushi say to the traveler?
A: You can’t sushi the world without me!