Popular jokes (76 to 90)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday
Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day. I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!
My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.
I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.
Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.
Bored on the train
Three men and a young woman are travelling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.
The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.
The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.
The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.
The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”
Original joke found on https://boards.fool.com posted on July 5th 2000, posted by gwgross, versions with more details could be found a bit later
Several of the latest new jokes
What gets burning hot right before it freezes?
A laptop.
What do you call a Chinese kid who was born too early?
Wong Tai Ming.
What do you call a Southern kid who was born prematurely?
Earl Lee.
And one who was born late?
Tuk Tu Long.
I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused
because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said "yes".
Why do we call him iron-man?
Calling him Fe-male would probably be pretty awkward.
I used to work at a factory making plastic Draculas.
I was only one of two employees, so I had to make every second Count.
You can't have a Public Pool
without P.
"you are mean!" She replied.
I said "no, you are".
World Pasta Day day jokes
October 25 is World Pasta Day! Have some fun with pasta and pasta jokes!
A blonde walks into a library and she asked the librarian “Do you have pasta?”
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered “Miss, this is the library.”
The blonde whispers “Do you have pasta?”
Why couldn’t the pasta get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. So sad that he ran out of thyme.
Why did the man get fired from the pasta factory?
He made a fusilli mistakes.
Where did the spaghetti go to dance?
A meat ball!
Why did the pasta call up his friend?
He was feeling canneloni.
What kind of pasta can make all your wishes come true?
Fettugenie.
How come no one ever invites ravioli to a party?
He’s a little square.
Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because his car always ends up al dente.
Do you have any other pasta jokes?
I’ll give you a penne for your thoughts.
Some pasta puns
I’m such a hopeless ramen-tic.
Noodles are part of my daily rotini.
No need to be ravi-lonely, I’m here.
I’m crazy pho noodles!
I cannelloni do so much
Don’t make fusilli mistakes.
That is tortellini awesome!
Don’t judge me because udon know me
Come and spaghet it.
Spaghett out of my way!
You just spaghet-me!
The battle of spaghettisburg.
I walked right pasta and didn’t even notice!
Life is full of pasta-bilities.
Can you pasta sauce please?
This too shall pasta.
You mac me smile.
Phone Issues
I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..."
Why do they have to announce that?
I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?
Chinese takeaway
I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place, just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!
I thought what on Earth is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me.
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out from behind the prawn crackers.
I thought it’s got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peking Duck!
Image by piyalis14 from Pixabay
Joke found on https://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Phrases-and-Sayings/Jokes/Question1467998.html posted by Butterbun on Sun 10th Jan 2016, alternative versions exist on many other joke sites
Quitting job, and few more jokes
I have decided to quit my job as a personal trainer, because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don't have high blood pressure.
My wife yelled, "are you even listening to me?"
I thought that was a weird way to start an argument.
Countdown to Friday: 7 Fresh Jokes to Lighten Your Week
A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach.
"You know that won't help you lose weight," she says.
"I know that," says the husband.
"But it will help me see the numbers."
A pianist goes into a bar that he wasn't there for 3 years
The pianist goes to the piano and starts to play: do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la...
just like that for an hour,
after he finishes, the bartender asks him:
what the heck did you play us now?
The pianist said:
"long time no si"
What begins with E and ends in E but only has one letter?
Envelope.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.noziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...
Well my doctor always calls me patient.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.
Holding onto the saddle horn
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when hercar broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her aride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rodeoff.The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would letout a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surroundinghills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-stationattendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on thehorse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so Iwouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.
Tapas Jokes, to celebrate World Tapas Day
World Tapas Day, observed annually on the third Thursday of June, is an international holiday celebrating the small Spanish Tapa dish that is usually served with drinks. Check out Tapas Jokes
What did the dyslexic man order at the Italian restaurant? Tapas.
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.
Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century? It's a bayou tapas-tree.
How do we know that the Normans ate small portions of Spanish food? Because of the Bayeux Tapas Tray!
What did the Spanish keyboard say? Tapas .
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer and two plates of tapas.
Another man walked into the bar and ordered 10 beers and 20 plates of tapas.
The barman said, "That's an order of magnitude!"
I got the roast duck at a fancy tapas place downtown...
Boy, the duck might have been small but its bill sure was big.
Girlfriend took me out for tapas today.
I kept repeating 'this is a great way tapas the time'
The look of annoyance on her face was growing.
So I told her if it's annoying just tell me tapas off.
A man boarded an airplane and...
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
10 Fresh Jokes for a Midweek Laugh
I was once served French pancakes in a haunted house…
They gave me the crepes!
Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."
I got fired from Pepsi after working there for 20 years.
I tested positive for coke.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call a man with a toe on his knee?
Tony.
It's ironic how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals.
And blamed it on cost of living.
Save money when buying a coffin…
Buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!
I wonder what Jeff Bezos does before he goes to bed.
Probably puts his pyjamazon.
I paid $500 for a belt.
It was a huge waist.
My girlfriend has always said that I'm not a romantic.
So I surprised her and proposed to her in a castle.
You would think she would have been happy
but for the look on her face as we were bouncing around........
