Popular jokes (76 to 90)

31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…

Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK, he woke up.

My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn’t go into work.

Whoever stole my depression medication —
I hope you’re happy now.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat.

What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.

How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.

Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It’s the wurst.

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated.

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.

I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.

I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice.

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”

What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.

Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.

It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

Several of the latest new jokes

What gets burning hot right before it freezes?
A laptop.

What do you call a Chinese kid who was born too early?
Wong Tai Ming.

What do you call a Southern kid who was born prematurely?
Earl Lee.

And one who was born late?
Tuk Tu Long.

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused
because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said "yes".

Why do we call him iron-man?
Calling him Fe-male would probably be pretty awkward.

I used to work at a factory making plastic Draculas.
I was only one of two employees, so I had to make every second Count.

You can't have a Public Pool
without P.

Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".
"you are mean!" She replied.
I said "no, you are".

Counting sheep

The sheep dog says to the farmer, “Here are your 20 sheep.”

The farmer says, “but I only have 17 sheep.”

“I know,” says the sheep dog, “I rounded them up.”

Anniversary Gift

She: "Sweetheart, what's your gift for our 25th anniversary?"

He: "A trip to Thailand."

She: "That's amazing! And what about when we hit our 50th anniversary?" she asked.

He: "That's when I come back to get you."

What do you call an Arab bodybuilder?

What do you call an Arab bodybuilder?

A protein sheikh.

Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes

Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.

Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.

How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle

What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.

What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!

How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."

What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.

What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)

What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.

Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.

What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.

Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.

How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!

What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.

I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope

Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws

It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.

Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.

You Can't Cut Down A Talking Tree

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

A cowboy walks into a bar, sit...

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, "TGIF!" The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!" Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies, "Hell ya I know what it means, 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy, "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies, "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

World Pasta Day day jokes

October 25 is World Pasta Day! Have some fun with pasta and pasta jokes!

A blonde walks into a library and she asked the librarian “Do you have pasta?”
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered “Miss, this is the library.”
The blonde whispers “Do you have pasta?”

Why couldn’t the pasta get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi!

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. So sad that he ran out of thyme.

Why did the man get fired from the pasta factory?
He made a fusilli mistakes.

Where did the spaghetti go to dance?
A meat ball!

Why did the pasta call up his friend?
He was feeling canneloni.

What kind of pasta can make all your wishes come true?
Fettugenie.

How come no one ever invites ravioli to a party?
He’s a little square.

Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because his car always ends up al dente.

Do you have any other pasta jokes?
I’ll give you a penne for your thoughts.

Some pasta puns

I’m such a hopeless ramen-tic.

Noodles are part of my daily rotini.

No need to be ravi-lonely, I’m here.

I’m crazy pho noodles!

I cannelloni do so much

Don’t make fusilli mistakes.

That is tortellini awesome!

Don’t judge me because udon know me

Come and spaghet it.

Spaghett out of my way!

You just spaghet-me!

The battle of spaghettisburg.

I walked right pasta and didn’t even notice!

Life is full of pasta-bilities.

Can you pasta sauce please?

This too shall pasta.

You mac me smile.

Why did the turtle cross the r...

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

And then....

Why was the turtle so shiny when he left the shell station?

He used some turtle wax!

Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023

What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?"

How did you find grandma’s turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.

What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!"

What’s the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.

Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight.

Find New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023, fresh and corny.

When do you serve rubber turkey?
Pranksgiving!

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he's already stuffed!

What do you call an attractive pilgrim?
A puri-ten!

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach?
Puri-tan.

Our collection Thanksgiving jokes has jokes collected for many years.

Why didn't the pilgrim want to make the bread?
It's a crummy job.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?
Pil-grimace.

Why did the turkey stand on stilts?
Because nobody eat flamingoes for Thanksgiving dinner.

What did the turkey say to his real estate agent?
Turn-key only.

I tried a new pie recipe.
Wow, you're a real pie-oneer.

You know you overdid it on Thanksgiving...
when you cut yourself shaving and you bleed gravy!

Not enough Thanksgiving jokes? These jokes were new not so long ago 26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes that were new on 2020!

7 new jokes for a good start of the week

I made a lamb curry last night…
Apparently they prefer grass!

Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted.

I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can’t see myself wearing it!

My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer!

Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor.

I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.

I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.

Merry Christmas! Jokes To Lighten Up Christmas Mood

Multi-colored lights are the Crocs of Christmas lights.
Frank Lowe @GayAtHomeDad

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there's myrrh.

What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause.

What song does Beyonce like to perform during the holidays?
All the Jingle Ladies.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow time to waste. It's almost Christmas!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for Christmas cookies!

Merry Christmas! Lot more Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

One more set of Thanksgiving jokes - new from 2023

Why is Thanksgiving a great holiday for gossip?
Because the best part are the side dishes.

Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language.

If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships.

Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins.

Check more of New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023.

How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie??
3.14.

What are turkeys most thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Vegans.

What do Thanksgiving turkeys become after they die?
Poultrygeists.

What's Inside a Genie's Turkey?
Wishbones.

What did pilgrims use to make cookies?
May Flour!

Check out our collection of new (and old) Thanksgiving jokes.

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn't get the moose in the oven!

Why are Thanksgiving bread jokes always funny?
Because they never get mold.

What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace?
“Grace.”

What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham?
Nice to meat you.

Why don’t side dishes tell jokes?
They’re too corny.

What do you call a sad cranberry?
A blueberry.

What’s the best way to keep a turkey in suspense?
You’ll find out at Thanksgiving dinner!

What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.

Need more Thanksgiving jokes? There some Thanksgiving jokes that were new not so long ago Thanksgiving jokes that were new recently